Claire writes: “We use an exercise in our training where people can only ask a question with 10 words or less. Recently for fun, I divided the group into three – one group could use 10 words, one group 3 words and one group 1 word.
The 10 words group could see how fast the person thinking in the 1 word group were moving and changed their rules. Short questions work. They keep people in flow. Questions like:
In Making Questions Work, Dorothy Strachan talks about the phases of a good conversation from What? So what? to Now what?
Try it!”
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Claire writes: ‘Watching my husband and a 4 year old friend navigate my iPad is an astonishing lesson. She makes everything work seamlessly. He can’t work out how to use it.
When we have learned that things are complicated, it’s tricky to do something simply. That’s why there’s so much unlearning to have simpler and more effective conversations. But it’s worth it. The value of coaching is in saying little enough to keep another’s thinking in flow. That’s all.”
© 2015 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: “This morning I had a conversation where I was almost silent while the person who was thinking travelled a great distance in their understanding of their situation. At the end of the call he said: “We don’t know how much value we add without adding any value at all. Thank you for letting me add value for myself”
Another lesson in staying silent and only asking questions when it’s useful!”
© 2015 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: ‘Nicky and I had a great day over the summer cutting back the materials we use on our courses to make them even more simple. We are now teaching about 20% of what we taught ten years ago. And people are getting more skilled more quickly.
We think there are just 15 principles to making a conversation (coaching or not) effective. So we’ll have a look at them over the next few weeks. None of them are rocket science as you will see!
3D’s Coaching Principles
1. Contract for time as well as subject
2. Talk to the person not the problem – right here right now
3. Change hats with consent
4. Be silent and ask questions where necessary
5. Stand in a different place
6. Name it – Say what you see without judgement
7. Do it now: Real play
8. When it’s over, it’s over
9. Show the working out
10. You action – we process
11. Match for rapport – mismatch for change
12. Name it
13. Keep the responsibility in the middle
14. Keep out of the way
15. Ask them
That’s it!’
© 2014 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: “Summer – when some people turn to camping and minimal living – is also the time when many of us reflect on the what’s and why’s of what we are doing.
On our recent holiday, we met a man who lived in a one horse horsebox on the harbour. Every morning and evening, he walked barefoot along the water’s edge playing the saxophone. As we talked it emerged that he was learning seven instruments, all of which lived in his 7 foot trailer. He had been a very successful businessman, and this was his second downsizing. The first was to a Land Rover with a camping pod on the roof. He had a solar panel to power his keyboard and a solar shower hanging on the outside of the box.
He was a man with presence who had chosen a simple lifestyle and was brave enough to take the risk that involved. Interestingly I met a friend at a conference last week who is doing exactly the same thing. At 69, she is downsizing for the second time and living simply with pizzazz. Makes you think about what’s essential!
That’s it from us until September – there will be someone available all summer, but we will be working lightly”
© 2014 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: “The technical term is dissonance. The reality is that sometimes people will say one thing and their body language and whole demeanour will be saying something else. Sometimes there is just a mismatch, but usually something else is going on. The skill of the coach or, in fact, the good friend or colleague is to say what you see. No interpretation. No inference. Just to say what you notice. I have seen huge power in simple interventions like that in coaching which I have observed over the last couple of weeks.
It’s the simplicity which carries the power. When a friend tells you how excited they are about all the extra work they’ve taken on, yet they look weighed down, the power is just to say what you notice. Quick reaction often forces us into: Are you sure you’re not working too hard? I think you may have taken on too much. You must be careful. Those comments often produce defensiveness in their receivers. Simple is powerful: I hear you telling me how exciting the work is. And I see your body looking exhausted. What’s that about?
It works with what you hear, as well!”
Claire writes: ‘Remind me never to do the advanced driving test. My current attempt at improving my swimming has left me feeling like an early evictee of Strictly Come Dancing. Since the summer, I’ve been swimming at least three times a week and have never really mastered breastroke. I tried to find some videos to improve my stroke on the internet, but managed to find little of use beyond the spoof Synchronised Swimming 2004 clip on youtube.com. Some things are better done in person, so my birthday present was a couple of stroke improver lessons. The teacher was great. She affirmed that my arms were doing the right thing. My legs, she said needed improvement.
We spent half the lesson focussing on my legs until I was doing them well, with a float. Then it was time to put them together. It was good that the pool was empty! Three weeks on, I am still in that in between stage where I don’t want to go back to bad habits, but I can only put the arms and legs together for a moment. “You’re doing twice as many strokes as you need to. You’re making it too complicated” said the teacher.
Simplicity is an art. The same is true when we work with people as they develop professionally and personally – through coaching or facilitation. It’s often the simplest way of working which is most effective – but it can be the hardest to learn.’
(c) 2007 3D Coaching Ltd May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com
