Claire writes: “I don’t know about you, but the combination of covid and on-demand TV this year has provided me an opportunity to indulge my love of forensic pathology. I have watched every episode of BBC’s Silent Witness over the last few months. Only two series to go! Our daughter has been living with us for some of this time. She hates it! When we are together in the evening, we have to find entertainment that works for us all.
We all have preferences. In conversations, some of us love exploring. Others enjoy pinning down actions, or indeed creating numerous ideas and possibilities. A coaching style – whether you call it coaching or something else – is about having a conversation that is in service of the other person. It needs to work for them. If we stay in our preferred part of the conversation, that’s not partnership!”
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Claire writes: “There’s lots to learn in training events. Delegates make observations or ask questions that get me thinking. I have a sheet on my desk to catch them so that I can process them later without forgetting.
We were talking about staying in connection with someone as they are thinking, and the importance of looking as well as listening. A. used to be a translator and shared with us that you can only translate if you have your eyes on the speaker all the time. As soon as you look away, you lose connection. (I’m smiling now because I ran a session on active listening on Friday where I was being translated into Russian and forgot to share that insight with them!)
In conversations where the purpose is that we are keeping someone company while they do useful thinking, connection is everything. Connection is different from control. It can look like this. How can you keep in connection in conversations?”
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Claire writes: “This morning was the final module of Transforming Conversations. It’s the moment when people start to see everything they are unlearning come together and they grasp their courage in both hands. Twice this morning, even more courage would have looked like saying half a sentence as a question and leaving it with the thinker to respond.
Stuart emailed to ask if I have ever noticed a moment when you almost bottled it, but instead held your nerve and it paid off? Here’s his example:
Thinker: “x is something I suppose we’ll need to come on and talk about.”
Stuart: “Shall we go straight there?”
Thinker: “I suppose so.” [Launches into X]
Courage pays off!”
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Claire writes: “It’s interesting, I think, that the closer we are to something the less we see. People often talk about coaching as being a place to see the wood (or in the USA, the forest) for the trees. It’s the ability to facilitate someone else getting a different perspective that makes it work.
To facilitate their thinking well, we need to leave our opinions out – in our heads as well as what we say… or we both get too close to the trees.”
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Claire writes: “Learning about Zoom and other platforms has been an essential part of lockdown life for many. We have been hosting training there for many years, and there’s still lots to learn!
Hiding self-view when you’re coaching means there’s one of you and one of them. Much better than two of you! Sitting back in the chair with your feet on the ground avoids zoom neck!
But perhaps the most useful learning is how to return to the work when the line gets disconnected. If you apologise and talk about it, you’ll be going backwards. Much better is a ‘where are we now?’ question followed by ‘and what do we need to do in the time we have left?’. While they were busy reconnecting, they may well have been moving forward in their thinking.
It reminds me of the documentary Race Around The World. We can only move forwards!
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Making the most of broken connections #virtualmeetings #coaching
Ruth writes: “The other day, as I was listening to a conversation, I started thinking about fishing. It sounded like the ‘professional’ in the situation was fishing for an answer, constantly casting their bait into the water, again and again trying to find a question that would catch the ‘fish’.
I don’t fish. And I imagine that casting the line in quick succession won’t get the desired result. The water would be constantly stirred up, not allowing the fish to come towards the hook.
I was left wondering how often we do that in conversations. When we ask repeated questions in quick succession – How will you know? Do you think that…? What might you need to do? and other brilliant questions I have in my stash to ask – we are constantly stirring the water, scaring away the fish. Scaring away the thought process.
I wonder if we are like fish, needing the bait and hook to be cast and for the water to settle so that we can think more clearly. As I coach I want to learn to be like a patient fisherman.”
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Claire writes: “The problem with using the language of problems or issues in conversations is that there is a hidden assumption that someone has to find a solution. And that someone is often the person who is perceived to have more power.
‘What’s your question for today?’ or even ‘what’s our question for today?’ has many benefits. It enables us to get to the heart of the matter more quickly.
‘I want to talk about having a holiday’ turns into ‘How can I have a week off that gives me enough rest?’
It also takes the pressure off the end. ‘Have we moved this forward?’ is less anxiety inducing than ‘Have we (in any way) solved your problem?’. And as Amabile and Kramer say in The Progress Principle – any progress is progress.”
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Moving from the language of problems to questions brings all kinds of benefits to conversations #coaching
Claire writes: “The difference between a whimsical thought and an action is nailing it so that something happens. I love asking people what they are learning? A more effective question is to ask what difference the learning is making: “What’s different in your conversations as a result of what you’re learning?”
Kolb, in his learning cycle had wisdom to recognise that adults learn by moving through a cycle of doing, reviewing, learning and applying/ putting into practice.
Some of my favourite nailing questions include:
What are your favourite nailing questions?”
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Claire writes: “I’ve been listening to some great conversations this week – coaches coaching and thinkers thinking. Whatever your profession or craft, if you have conversations with people there is much to be learned from listening to recordings from time to time. Don’t focus on what you say or do – listen to them responding to what you say or do.
What I notice is that the facilitator of the conversation is always doing a great job… and then they use too many words. In conversations, challenge increases as we say less. Imagine walking with someone to the window and as we look out together, they see something that is significant and uncomfortable. Noticing that and remaining silent enables us to keep them company in the discomfort as they stand with it. Too many words means we pull them away from what they saw, the challenge decreases and the moment of insight can quickly be lost. Discomfort and discovery are important parts of learning.”
“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.” Mark Twain
Ⓒ 3D Coaching Ltd 2020
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Claire writes: “It’s not unusual for the conversations we have to dive deep – but who decides whether we dive or not? A few years ago, we were in Paxos on a family holiday and the girls and I went for a scuba diving lesson. They loved it. I wasn’t ready when we did the deep (for beginners) dive. I hated it – even when the rather gorgeous instructor guided me by the hand along the sea floor. Everyone else saw amazing things. I just wanted to go home! We had, for me, dived too early.
In coaching, we need to have agreed what we are doing together today before we dive at all – and then only with permission. Otherwise we risk taking them places where we want to go that may be at best not useful and at worst resemble my scuba lesson. While we are working out together what to do today – or rightsizing, they may choose to go deep. That’s great – but I need to hold back on depth until we are clear what we are doing today. Otherwise I go to the deep coral because that interests me – and if I had waited I would have heard that today they’d like to look at the old shipwreck in the next bay.”
Ⓒ 3D Coaching Ltd 2020
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