Claire writes: “What is it, I wonder, in conversations that makes people defer to the person they think is holding the power? When I go to the doctor, I’ll defer to their wisdom. The same when the solicitor is trying to make sure that the will I am signing is what I want and is legal!
But this deference shows up in coaching all the time – even when the coach is neither holding nor taking the power. Our companion who has come to do some good work is probably used to having conversations the way the ‘professional’ leads it. Given that people answer the questions we ask them, if this conversation is going to be partnership, we need to be really clear to work out together what we are doing before we dive into the work. Otherwise they are busy following us when they could be being thoughtful and doing some good work that will move them forward in their thinking. I’m curious about how hard wired deference is in so many 1-1 conversations. Although coaching is weirdly different, if people give us the power, we still have it!
If you’re a coach, watch out for this. Whether it’s fear, shame, politeness or whatever, we can accidentally disempower people when they defer to us. Deference gives us power. And watch out when you’re recording a session for your professional development or training. If the thinker is having the conversation as a favour to you, you’ll see it. The power balance will be wonky.
And if you use coaching as one of a range of styles you use in conversations, make sure you’re not sitting in the power chair where they see you as the boss. You’ll need to be in a different place if this is going to be a conversation that’s more in partnership.
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