3D Ideas 892: In Sync

Claire writes: “Out of sync is a daily occurrence in the world of online meetings and Zoom socials. Someone is speaking and you are lagging a few seconds behind them. Being out of sync isn’t a lockdown thing. It is always a daily occurrence – it’s just that we can’t see it.

People think and speak at different speeds, and in coaching it’s common for the thinker to be having a conversation with themselves at the same time as the one they are having with you. The greatest gift you can offer is to notice and invite them to connect the two. I notice that often that’s when they acknowledge the inner talk for the first time. Bringing their thinking processes together catches them up with themselves and makes the encounter deeper and richer.”

Ⓒ 3D Coaching Ltd 2020
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com If you would like to get this by email every week, you can do that here!

3D Ideas 891: We can’t make it OK

Claire writes: “Over the last few weeks it’s been a privilege to spend a little time with Systemic Teacher, Lynn Stoney to talk about with trauma.  One of those conversations has informed this blog post.

Hellinger wrote that war, natural disasters and pandemics are ‘the greater forces that shape us’. We aren’t used to this level of not being in control. It’s a shock and our normal coping strategies may or may not work for us. Naming out loud what we can influence and what we can’t influence can be liberating. In systemic work, this is described as agreeing to something exactly as it is. The world won’t be the same again is about naming the truth of what is. 

Inviting ourselves, or someone else, to say out loud I am feeling trapped in my home, if that is what they are expressing, is very different from reassuring them that lots of other people are, too. Reassurance minimises when we try and make something better.

Agreeing to what is is very different from trying to make something OK.”

[In coaching this is a skill to evoke awareness. This will be part of Wednesday’s masterclass for trained coaches which will be available as a recording from Thursday]

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3D Ideas 890: Ask Them

Claire writes: “Although we are all separated physically, the art of conversation is critical during this season of not knowing. The simplest learning from coaching is more than useful. I have just come off a call where the learning from the practice was that “he (the thinker) needs to use his brain more than me (the coach)”. Conversations work best when they happen in the space between and are not dominated by one or another.

The space and pace of life means that I have taken the same long walk alone every lunchtime for over the last 7 weeks. I walk to this tree, sit for a while, ponder, take a picture and walk home. That started before my Mum was admitted to hospital just after Covid began. We may not have seen Mum in her last three weeks, but we spoke daily on the phone.  Sadly when she died a few weeks ago, I have experienced all kinds of responses from others.  Many of these have been to tell me how traumatic it has been for me. Without asking how I feel. It’s hard to say ‘not traumatised’ after that and it seems that feeling OK isn’t an acceptable answer. Grief in a time of Covid, for me, has occupied a spacious time with a slower pace and lots of outdoor thinking space. All this has been significantly helped by my parents making clear their wishes for direct cremation many months ago. If it’s useful to you, my Dad wrote this article to help him work out what he was thinking about funerals. It has made planning something different a much easier process than it might have been.

 

My Mum used to say ‘visitors first’. 3D’s first principle of coaching is ‘ask them’. Let’s ask people how they are feeling today rather than telling them how they feel.  We won’t know unless we ask. We may be in the same boat but we are all responding to this season in different ways.”

 

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May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com If you would like to get this by email every week, you can do that here!

 

3D Ideas 889: Small World

Claire writes: “I have just hosted a group from four nations.  We are all in lockdown. Isolation is simultaneously creating more distance and closer connections between some groups of people across the world.  

In conversation with a coaching friend yesterday, we observed that until a few weeks ago, we were living in a world that has become self-centred.  It has been all about what I want and what I can offer.  In the new world, we are forced to work in service of the greater good. Suddenly we are choosing to take actions in service of the world.  Our gift to others right now is to stay where we are.

 

This thing we do – offering a place to think that is supportive and challenging – is needed now more than ever. We are noticing that big things won’t change – like on-site training until a number of things are met:

  • people are in the new normal enough to have time to think new things
  • we have processed enough of the emotion from lockdown to be in the head space for different stuff
  • and we can be in the same physical space.

 

Meanwhile, we are delivering almost all our training online in different shapes and sizes.  The value of coaching to keep leaders company in their thinking is more important now than ever – so pick up the phone if you want to talk: 07823 497967”

Ⓒ 3D Coaching Ltd 2020

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3D Ideas 888: Juggling

Claire writes: “On one of my long lunchtime walks last week, Alan and I were on the phone talking about leadership.  We were thinking about how the lockdown is raising questions for leaders:

  • what do we drop?
  • what do we hold lightly?
  • and how do we open our hands to have the capacity to receive

Great Leaders don’t cling to stuff. They lay some things down gently. They throw some away, and they hold some things more lightly so they can pick up other things

The adeptness of the juggler is management. And an essential hidden skill of leadership.”

We are aware that you might be overwhelmed with work or family responsibilities and you may have too much space. If learning is part of your lockdown life, we have a variety of online opportunities for CPD that start after Easter and runs through the early part of the summer:

DIP – we continue to record our free Coaching Inn podcasts with interesting people. The ethics ones can be used for coaches looking for the 3 hours ethics training required by ICF. Or join Claire for a complimentary hour to Refresh what you are learning about coaching.

DIVE – the world is experiencing trauma at one level or another – join Claire and Liz Behnke for a half day training (29th April) for coaches wanting to be mental health aware.

Action Learning is a great way to develop people and we have been running training to facilitate this online for a number of years. Next online training starts 21st May.

DEEP DIVE – if you are looking for some high quality coach training or CPD, join Claire on Lockdown Tuesdays for 24 hours of live Masterclasses on each of the new ICF Core Competencies – with a Practicum each week. (50% discount on normal online cost – and you can pay in installments).

Mentor Coaching Group if you are renewing your  ACC starts 8 June, and Peronel is ready to start a new mentor coaching group for anyone going for ACC or PCC on Mondays 16.30-17.30 (UK)

Ⓒ 3D Coaching Ltd 2020

May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com If you would like to get this by email every week, you can do that here!

 

3D Ideas 887: Love, Leadership and Trauma

Claire writes: “‘Too much, too fast, too soon’ is Peter Levine’s definition of trauma. The covid 19 lockdown across the world has been huge and come with almost no warning. Even for those with a safe home, the change in lifestyle has been traumatic – before we begin to look at the impact of loss and grief on workplaces, families and communities. The ways in which we have led need to adapt and change. Everyone is experiencing some level of trauma. 

A few weeks ago, I met Sarah Broscombe for the first time. We were chatting in Zoom about stuff and got onto the topic of power. There is a chapter in my book about power, presence and partnership.  The conversation was so interesting that we agreed to reconvene last Friday to record a podcast. Little did we know that the world was about to change. You can listen here – it’s about 20 minutes long.  

At the end of our conversation, Sarah talks about Martin Luther King as a great example of leading in a situation that feels almost impossible. He said that “Power properly understood is nothing but the ability to achieve purpose. It is the strength required to bring about social, political and economic change. … What is needed is a realisation that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anaemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love.”

 

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A different kind of funeral

These are unusual times and with social distancing we will need to do everything differently for a season. Doctors are encouraging us to talk about dying.  A few months ago Claire’s Dad who is in his late 80s started thinking about instant cremation. Here is what he said way before the pandemic. Claire and family are deeply grateful to have had this conversation early. It might be useful for you and people you know?

“You will probably know, if you are reading this, that I have a problem with crematorium funerals. Many years ago, I was asked to do the eulogy for a BBC colleague, and it was without much doubt the worst address of my life. So this may have affected my judgement.

But I think that one of the most important aspects of any funeral/memorial is for friends and particularly family to say goodbye, in a way that marks the end of something and the beginning of something else.

Different cultures have different ways of doing this. In our culture until not that long ago, this was marked by the body in a coffin going into the ground, and soil going on top of the coffin, neither the coffin nor the body being seen again. A proper farewell.

Not everybody saw it that way. Some thought that their loved one was still there under the ground. When I was a churchwarden, one grieving mother was very insistent that her son’s grave plot should be in the sunshine because he liked being in the sunshine. And a grave is a place which many feel that they can visit to remember and sense the connection with their relative or friend. But a proper farewell has been said.

Today it is much more likely that people wish to be cremated, for many good reasons which I share. However, this normally involves a crematorium service/ceremony, which I find troubling.

  1. If there is also a service in church (or wherever), which is the goodbye event?
  2. If the crematorium service is the goodbye event, it is a pretty strange one. You arrive to see a wooden coffin (or wait for one to arrive). And when you leave it is still there. And who knows where or when it is going. And you have to identify this box, which you have never seen before, with a person whom you have known intimately for years. And you do this in a strange building which says nothing to you about either of you.
  3. If this isn’t the goodbye event, what is it for? It does not mark the moment of death nor the moment of cremation. You briefly pass by the coffin on its otherwise unseen and unknown journey from one to the other, for 30 minutes, at a time which has been specified to you to fit in a schedule.
  4. At a time when you have lost someone who is very dear to you, do you really want to be involved with (necessarily commercial) dealings with an undertaker about the logistics (how, when, where)?
  5. The significant moments for the people left behind are the moment of death, the moment the body is taken from you (a real goodbye), and the moment of its disposal. Not the time of the crematorium service, which is definitely not the time of actual cremation.

I think this needs a rethink. So I am attracted by the idea of direct cremation, which a number of undertakers perform, more or less well. I am particularly interested in the organisation Pure Cremation. It is possible to make an agreement with them in life. With such an agreement, they will come to your home or hospital at death, and respectfully take the body away. It will not go from undertaker to undertaker. They will tell the relatives of the moment of actual cremation, so that they can remember their relative when it really happens. And a proper and unique goodbye service/event can happen anywhere at any suitable date and time.

I think this is a no-brainer. What do you think?”

3D Ideas 886: Changing Places

Email is the way to get hold of us now that we are working differently.  Remote has been a part of how we do what we do since the beginning of 3D.  It was phone work at the beginning and Claire is mid way through a live online coaching training for senior leaders across the world.  We have the technology! If you’re not sure how to use Zoom for training, Claire recorded a quick video hint last week.

Claire writes: “What strange times. Every day welcomes something odd that will become our new normal. We are learning how to slow down. Much of this is unknown. How long will it last? What will it be like? 

The battle in the supermarket is a less appealing part of change. I walk round the block three times a day in the spring sunshine savouring different. On my walks I have been thinking.  Last summer – when my daughter was here from New Zealand – we were having cold white wine every evening. I recognised that this was a habit I needed to change. Having never quite successfully completed dry January, a dry month felt impossible. Too many reasons to bend the rules. Counter-intuitively I decided to stop for longer and see whether that worked. This avoided the countdown of how many days were left. I found an online tribe called One Year No Beer.  I didn’t sign up and just read their blog posts.  It wasn’t easy for the first few days… but my app says I am now on Day 209 and I have no intention of drinking alcohol at the moment, although we have a plentiful supply. I don’t know if I have given up forever. That doesn’t matter. I am enjoying the benefit of what life brings when I live a different way.

Amongst all the confusing emotions, I am inspired a little when we are asked to live a different way for an unknown amount of time. Knowing that I have survived with no wine – and thrived on its absence for an unknown time period… it’s good to know that this slowlyness is also for a season. And who knows what we will learn?”

Ⓒ 3D Coaching Ltd 2020

May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com If you would like to get this by email every week, you can do that here!

 

3D Ideas: Using Zoom for Training

Strange times bring a different kind of blog post.  Anyone who has a Zoom Room has a space to offer to others.  And coaching is future focussed and optimistic – just what we need.  Hope this is useful? Feel free to share it.  And while you’re here, have a quick peek at the rest of the blog. It might be useful in the coming days! If you would like to get the blog by email every week, you can do that here!

 

3D Ideas 885: Take a Picture

Claire writes: “The best book I have read so far in 2020 is Somebody I Used to Know by Wendy Mitchell. Wendy was diagnosed with dementia young and this is her story.  It wasn’t an easy read but there was much to learn. At the end of the book, I wanted to know what happened next, so I looked her up. Wendy is alive and well and tweeting and blogging.

Last week, Wendy posted a photo of her bedroom wall.  She had gone in and seen something huge which worried and confused her.  She took a photo and left the room. Outside the room, she looked at it from a different place, and recognised the shadow of the pot plants on her window. I love that the concept of looking from a different place has such wide value.

In the last 48 hours, we have been thinking about what questions we need to be asking over the next few days and weeks about behaving responsibly and working in service of the greater good? As a result of this we have decided for the time being to stop all on site group and team events so that we can respect the UK government guidelines about social distancing. We will be focusing on offering online training, coaching and mentor coaching – so we are available to talk whenever that’s useful.

So this morning has been busy with logistics and phone calls.  Now that’s all done, and I can take a step back, I am reminded of Wendy and the photograph.  What I see from a distance is the opportunity to go more slowly, to focus on some useful and important developments, and to experience a different way of being. That’s exciting.”

Ⓒ 3D Coaching Ltd 2020

May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com If you would like to get this by email every week, you can do that here!