Claire writes: ‘We went to a First Aid course on Saturday and learned the basics of resuscitation (CPR). Our helper was Brad, a rather macho and mini male torso. CPR is a life skill which I hope I will never have to use. Every time it was our turn, we had to gently shake the dummy (the teacher called this shout and shake: shout for help – then check in if the person is breathing), I found it hard not to laugh.  Rather an extreme interruption compared to the vibe of dialogue in coaching.

I think that asking permission is important in conversations. When it is essential to tell in order to save a life, we tell. But in many situations it can be tempting to tell people when, in fact, asking them what they need so that they can find their own answer might be more effective. Making it clear matters to show when we are switching between 

• asking because it’s OK for them to come up with their own solution
• offering because they are asking for ideas (and not telling them what to do with them)
• telling because there is only one way to do this

We call this changing hats (clearly) and with consent.  The sound or tone of what we say needs to match the intention.  You’d be amazed how many people think they are asking a question which is received as an instruction.’