Claire writes: “If you are of a certain age, you will remember the TV show Jackanory. A famous actor read a story for young children as it was heading towards bedtime. They would always start: ‘Are you sitting comfortably, then I’ll begin’. Their calm, slow pace, was designed to calm and slow their young audience and make bedtime easier. The change to a calm pace and tone was enough to slow down many tired and crazy children. It’s something instinctive.

Not changing means that we stay the same. So if you come to see me, and I create a slow, spacious ‘just talk’ environment, we will probably have a slow spacious conversation and take a long time to get where we need to be. That may be the right thing, but it’s interesting to notioce that if we were standing up looking out of the window, that same conversation is likely to be more pacy and over much faster.

Matching tone or body language or pace builds rapport. And it makes it hard to move things forward. Mismatching tone or body language or pace – or anything (but not everything) is more likely to facilitate change. If you’re getting to the end of a meeting and someone is not leaving, you’ll stand up – that’s mismatching. If you are interviewing for selection and it’s all a bit slow, you might lean forward to ask a question. That’s mismatching.

You will do it instinctively without noticing. It is also very useful to use intentionally particularly when a conversation needs to move from exploring to action. Try it!

Principle 11: Match for rapport. Mismatch for change‘

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