Category: ICF 08 Creating Awareness

3D Ideas 828: Buttons

This week’s blog is written by Richard who trained with 3D in 2015. It’s never too late to apply what you are learning… He writes

“Just thought I’d share with you… I have only ever used the buttons that you showed us at Transforming Conversations in the training setting although intending to find an opportunity to use it. Last week, though, I was coaching a couple who work together and have multiple connections between, work, family, church, friends, etc. So I decided to go with it. I explained the concept of systems and asked them to map out their system with the buttons, working together.

At first, I thought it was a bit mundane and wondered if it would work. I said nothing, just watched them and noted down a couple of phrases they used that I thought were revealing. Then after a few minutes, I could see them both start to get red faced, breathing got shallower as they got frustrated with each other and not being able to express themselves. I just kept watching until the husband looked up at me and, with no words, his face and eyes were shouting ‘help’. Me: “This is hard for you isn’t it?”. Both together: “Yes!”. Moments silence…Me: “So what is happening?” Then it all came out and it become a really powerful session for them as they started to work out what their priorities are to keep life, their relationship, other relationships and their organisation all healthy.

So, thank you. I finally took the courage in my hands and tried something a bit different to talking and general use of movement, matching, mis-matching, etc. It was amazing for me to observe how I didn’t need to do anything at all or say very much for it to be really powerful! But I guess you have seen that a few times!”

© 2018 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email

3D Ideas 824: Transformation

Claire writes: ‘What a privilege to train people to increase the likelihood of their having transformational conversations! It’s not possible to ensure that every conversation you have engenders deep transformation. But we work with people to help them to lose the habits that prevent it from happening. Our definition of transformation is that someone understand something in a new way that makes a significant difference to what they do or think or feel. Hawkins and Smith call it ‘a shift in the room’. Others call it a lightbulb moment.

I saw transformation happen the other day in training and someone in the group quoted WB Yeats ‘All are changed. Changed utterly’. This always requires bravery – after all if someone has deep transformation, the conversation you thought you were having has moved not only to a new page – but possibly a new chapter!

And the first step? Listen with your eyes. You’ll see it in a flicker way before you hear it.”

© 2018 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email

3D Ideas 821: 80% Useless

Claire writes: “If only everything we said in conversations with others was useful! Except it isn’t. There is no such thing as a perfectly executed conversation.

One of the things that we observe is that at least 80% of what we notice in coaching conversations is without value. And about 20% is really useful. I have no idea which is which, so my role in a conversation is to lightly notice what I notice (with a question mark rather than a definite diagnostic tone), to not get precious when it misses and to notice when it lands deeply.

The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.
R. D. Laing

And never apologise when it misses – your apology makes what you are saying about you and may block the moment where someone was just about to have an insight. Just move on!”

© 2018 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email

 

3D Ideas 820: Beetroot

Claire writes: “We had a few parties over the summer and ended up with a fridge full of leftovers. My favourite is the beetroot and lentil salad. That means that when someone in the family says ‘What can I eat?’ and we go over to the fridge, I’m likely to point out the beetroot first! And probably keep pointing it out. Ellie doesn’t like it! What she wants to eat is probably tucked away at the back behind the big tub of… beetroot.

When we use a coaching style and are exploring, the exploring is in service of the thinker not the coach. Noticing is one of the greatest gifts we bring to coaching… as long as we notice together and don’t keep on noticing the beetroot!”

© 2018 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email

 

3D Ideas 795: Magic

Claire writes: “One of this week’s delegates says it better than me: “Coaching isn’t a technique. It clears distractions and gets to the heart of the matter.

It’s been amazing to watch people understand things in a different way. If you were watching a video of Transforming Conversations this week you might say you saw magic happen in many of the conversations going on. But when we start using language like magic, we need to be cautious of power. Coaching is not doing something to someone else. The coach or manager is not a magician. A coaching style works because at a deep level we are exploring your question together and you are getting to the heart of it. When conversations are transformational, you can see something change in the space we have created between us in the conversation we are having together. If you think that came from me, it takes away some of your power and potential. It’s yours!”

If you want to learn to have more transformational conversations, talk to us. There is one space left on this year’s open Transforming Conversations course.

© 2018 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com  Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email

3D Ideas 792: The Least

Claire writes: “A very long time ago, I coached someone who had a tiny notebook and never had more than three things on his list. It’s not often like that. Many people we meet are overwhelmed by tasks and lists and stuff to be done. Which is why I love a question Alan used with me the other day:

What’s the least you need to do to make that happen?

The answer to that has been useful for me – hope it might be useful for you!?”

© 2018 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email

3D Ideas 790: Punctuation

A very Happy Christmas to you from the 3D Coaching Team. We are shutting up shop on 20th December and will be back on Monday 8th January. Book onto any of our online training before 4pm Wednesday 20th December 2017 and get 15% off.

Claire writes: “Thanks to Julia who responded to last week’s blog – ‘Perhaps we should be talking about jive conversations as well as live ones! Thinking about it – the other thing about music is that the pause is often as important as the note – if you listen to Jacquelin du Pre playing the Elgar cello concerto the wonderful thing that brings it to life is partly the pause or hesitation before a note – it makes it electrifying.’

A great conversation is appropriately punctuated. An electrifying pause brings challenge and insight. An ‘I don’t know what to ask you next’ pause is stilted and make me stop someone thinking. The best interventions are often very short – they just need to keep the thinking flowing.”

© 2017 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com  Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email

3D Ideas 778: Connections

Don from Coaching at End of Life will be running 8 hours online training for us on Mondays 19.00-21.00 UK time starting 25th September for anyone who has done our 4 day programme or equivalent. Last chance this academic year.

blickpixel / Pixabay

Claire writes: “People often come to conversations with a list of stuff they want to talk about. More often than not, before launching into the list, a useful question can be: ‘What’s the connection?’. It enables the person to go beyond the symptoms and think about what’s behind the stuff.

It worked for someone brand new to coaching on Transforming Conversations last week, and has been useful getting underneath stuff with someone this morning. And if there isn’t a connection, don’t apologise – simply move on – it’s only taken a few seconds to ask”

© 2017 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email

 

3D Ideas 773: Change Chairs

Claire writes: ‘We have a sofa in our meeting room which usefully gives people a variety of choices where to sit. The other day someone came in, made themselves comfortable on the sofa and said that to be able to think they needed to download some difficult stuff first. Which they did.

Then they indicated that they were ready to move forward in their thinking. It felt heavy, so I invited them to move up to the other end of the sofa. What happened next was extraordinary. Any time that the past came up in her conversation, they said ‘but that belongs over there’. Which allowed them to own the stuff, and to move on.

That’s another example of where moving works. In his book Rest, Alex-Soojung-Kim-Pang explores some research about why that’s true – it has some interesting insights.”

© 2017 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Ideas 764: I’m thinking

Claire writes: “Coaching isn’t about telling people what to do. Neither, actually, is mentoring. What you are thinking might be useful. Naturally we switch to questions like ‘Have you thought about…’ ‘Why don’t you…’ ‘What I would do is…’

It might be useful but leading them down your track might not. And you will only know if you ask. Not lead! Then don’t chase it if it isn’t! I was in dialogue with someone this week who was talking about starting a business. He talked a lot about what he was going to be selling. I was listening to the gaps so my question became: ‘As you’re talking I’m thinking about all kinds of questions – who are your customers? where will you find them? what will you say to them? have you done the Maths…?’ I guess that I was sharing my stream of consciousness. Of course he had thought about many – and picked up the one that needed some thinking aloud.”

© 2017 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com  Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email