Claire writes: “I’ve been listening to some great conversations this week – coaches coaching and thinkers thinking. Whatever your profession or craft, if you have conversations with people there is much to be learned from listening to recordings from time to time. Don’t focus on what you say or do – listen to them responding to what you say or do.
What I notice is that the facilitator of the conversation is always doing a great job… and then they use too many words. In conversations, challenge increases as we say less. Imagine walking with someone to the window and as we look out together, they see something that is significant and uncomfortable. Noticing that and remaining silent enables us to keep them company in the discomfort as they stand with it. Too many words means we pull them away from what they saw, the challenge decreases and the moment of insight can quickly be lost. Discomfort and discovery are important parts of learning.”
“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.” Mark Twain
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A very Happy Christmas to you from the 3D Coaching Team. We are shutting up shop on 20th December and will be back on Monday 8th January. Book onto any of our online training before 4pm Wednesday 20th December 2017 and get 15% off.
Claire writes: “Thanks to Julia who responded to last week’s blog – ‘Perhaps we should be talking about jive conversations as well as live ones! Thinking about it – the other thing about music is that the pause is often as important as the note – if you listen to Jacquelin du Pre playing the Elgar cello concerto the wonderful thing that brings it to life is partly the pause or hesitation before a note – it makes it electrifying.’
A great conversation is appropriately punctuated. An electrifying pause brings challenge and insight. An ‘I don’t know what to ask you next’ pause is stilted and make me stop someone thinking. The best interventions are often very short – they just need to keep the thinking flowing.”
© 2017 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: “People ask great questions. Many people ask several great questions in quick succession! This dilutes the impact of the first question. When I am giving feedback while listening to people having great conversations, I often need to invite them to stop talking. They have said something great… and it loses its impact with every extra word! It’s common to invite people to say the same thing using 90% less words.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer said ‘Don’t fill the silence with your own story’
That’s all!
© 2016 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: “One of the exercises we use in training allows the thinker in a conversation to control it. They only ask for a question from a group when they need one. It slows down the pace of questioning from the coach/ facilitator and speeds up their own thinking. Ironically it’s the space that increases the pace. And in the time that the group are coming up with their questions, the thinker keeps thinking – and moves on again.
When asked what they were learning one delegate said: “I’m learning to shut up. Just shut up!” It’s the gift of giving space whilst being attentively not bothered.
© 2016 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: “We have been trying out a few ideas lately as we work with people to have more effective conversations. One thing I have noticed is how wordy we can get when trying to talk about something. It easily becomes interview and transmit more than facilitate and think.
So I went to Wilkos and bought half a dozen A3 sketch pads. The next masterclass for people using coaching at work, I gave them each a pad and a packet of pens. Once they had worked out what they were thinking about, the thinker simply drew or scribbled on the pad – and only asked for a question when they wanted one. Which was hardly ever! And when they did – they just noticed what they noticed about the page. Which was usually pointing quizically to the odd things – the empty space or the word with several underlinings.
The feedback from the thinkers was how much more effective it was a way of helping them think than a normal coaching conversation. And yet it was coaching and transformation emerged for them all.”
© 2015 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: ‘We spent a great summer day at Aldenham Country Park in 100 Aker Wood. There is even a bridge to play Pooh Sticks – where you drop a twig into a stream and watch it float under the bridge. It goes fast and it goes slowly. When it gets a bit stuck, it might need a gentle nudge from the bank with a longer stick to help it get back in flow before it makes its own journey again.
Conversations are like that – if the aim is to be talking to enable someone to think something through, they only need a nudge here and there. If we keep asking questions or putting in our own ideas, it’s like restricting the flow of a twig in a stream by controlling it from the banks.’
© 2015 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: “This morning I had a conversation where I was almost silent while the person who was thinking travelled a great distance in their understanding of their situation. At the end of the call he said: “We don’t know how much value we add without adding any value at all. Thank you for letting me add value for myself”
Another lesson in staying silent and only asking questions when it’s useful!”
© 2015 3D Coaching Ltd
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It’s official – we are dropping the coaching word from the name of our coaching skills training! It’s simply about Transforming Conversations! We will continue to train people to use all the simplicity of coaching… and it will continue change every kind of conversation. (Can be used for accredititation for people wanting to take coaching further and stand alone for those who don’t)
Claire writes: “On courses, delegates are often keen to find out what we are thinking when we are coaching. We have started doing a demonstration where they can stop us mid conversation to enquire what’s happening. Two things happen:
When we return to the conversation and ask: ‘Where are you now?’ they have always made some significant progress. Because we stopped talking!
Principle 4: Be silent and ask questions where necessary”
© 2014 3D Coaching Ltd
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There are still spaces on the Masterclass on 25th Feb on helping people look at their situation from a different perspective; and on the next open Coaching for Excellence starting on 4th March.
Claire writes: “It’s Lent. And there’s talk of who has given up what, and who isn’t interested.
The people at ‘I’m not busy’ are encouraging us to give up busyness for Lent. It’s a bit like the art of slowlyness.
Even if that’s for 15 minutes out of your working day, it’s a great idea.”
© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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