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Tag: emotion

3D Ideas 927: Don’t be a Robot

Claire writes: ‘“If you call someone a thinker and ask them what they want to think about, does that mean that coaching is more about facts than feelings?” I have been asked this question a few times over the last few weeks.  

Thinker is an imperfect description of the person with whom we find ourselves in conversation. They are a wonderful human who brings all of themselves to this future focussed conversation. The STOKeRS questions that we use to rightsize the conversation together are a way of partnering to work out what we are doing today, how we are going to do it, and how we will know we have done it.

This might take a few minutes, and it might take most of the conversation. It requires a balance between being deeply human, and acknowledging that we are here to do some good work together.  So when someone says something – like ‘my job is at risk and life feels overwhelming’ we need to acknowledge that without affixing meaning to it.  That might sound like ‘that sounds a lot to hold’.  Great coaching comes from creating good boundaries around the work we are doing today and not diving into the work until we know what we are doing… and that doesn’t require us to be a robot!’

Next week I’ll be talking about how to avoid working too hard when you slip into feeling you have to help too much.


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Ⓒ 3D Coaching Ltd 2021

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3D Ideas 777: A Good Cry

StockSnap / Pixabay

Claire writes: “I have learned many things from Don Eisenhauer at Coaching at End of Life. The most useful at the moment is the value of having a good cry. Don told me that when much of your work is dealing with heightened levels of emotion in others and yourself, that watching a tearjerker and having a good cry is a good and healthy way to release some emotion.

Whatever your organisation, there will be emotions around and this is particularly true in the caring professions. I have a day off this week, and my plan is to watch a tearjerker.

Don will be running 8 hours online training for us on Mondays 18.00-21.00 UK time starting 25th September for anyone who has done our 4 day programme or equivalent.”

© 2017 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Juggling 588: Vulnerability and Courage

Claire writes: “We got some great feedback on how much you connected to Theodore Roosevelt’s comments about it being OK to fail when we dare greatly.

I’ve been running a couple of sessions this week for people engaging in the application process to find new roles.  The way questions are asked compunded with social pressure may make us feel that we have to be full of great examples of success.  Great evidence also comes from talking about what we learn when we fail.  Guy Stagg writes that in the USA,’ the most enterprising country in the world is built not just on aspiration, but on failing with maximum efficiency.

All that raises a big question: What would be possible if we were more honest about vulnerability as well as success in selection?  And how will that be received by organisations and interviewers?

Over 12 years, Brene Brown took 11000 pieces of data and found that there was not a single example of courage that didn’t include vulnerability.  She says “Vulnerability is not weakness. It is our most accurate measure of courage.”

Are we courageous enough? Think about it…?”  We’d love to hear what you think – please join the discussion on www.3dcoaching.com/blog

© 2012 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Juggling 587: Daring Greatly

Claire writes: “I have spent the last few days at a global coaching conference in London.  There was lots of learning that will emerge for me over the next few weeks and months as it settles and connects. One of the speakers was a poet who offered his poems … and let them have their own power.

This isn’t his.  It’s a quote from Theodore Roosevelt and is the inspiration behind Brene Brown’s new book about vulnerability.  But it speaks for itself, as I doscovered when I read it to a great group of internal coaches in the NHS:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt

What’s it saying to you? Think about it…”

© 2012 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Juggling 576: Olympic Spirit

Su writes: “Up and down the country, people are turning out in herds to witness the Olympic Torch passing by where they live.  Where we were, people were 10 deep on the pavements, and on roundabouts, on verges, hanging out of balconies, on shoulders, on tiptoes.

There was a sense of thick excitement in the air, a great sense of community, warmth and good humour and oodles of suspense. When the moment came, cameras clicked and people cheered. And then the moment passed: in reality we had maybe 5 torch minutes and an hour of anticipation.

All those people came together for a common purpose: it was about being part of the Olympic spirit.

How does this relate to business? When we ask for commitment and engagement from our employees are we inspiring them at the right level? Are we connecting with them at the “Olympic spirit” level which gets them excited or the “standing in the rain with a group of noisy people” level which is realistic but dull?”

3D Juggling 535: Cartwheels or certificates?

Jane writes: “What brings you joy at work?  When it happens, how do you celebrate? One of the things I often find when working with teams under pressure is that they forget what it is that they have to celebrate.  They find it easier to articulate what needs to change and what is still to be achieved than to recognise what they have done well and can build on.

A desire to celebrate success is frequently reflected in Employee Satisfaction surveys, and a common response by organisations is to implement Employee Recognition Schemes.  Often with certificates.   How else do you celebrate?   And what is it that brings joy at work?

A Gallup Healthways survey of 100,000 Americans revealed what we need at work to bring us the most joy, realized through less stress and more health.  The key ingredients were: autonomy, influence, and a sense of meaning.  Harvard Business School professor Rosabeth Moss Kanter remarked that “Supervisors are better-off than the supervised, and entrepreneurs are the best-off of all.  The key is setting the agenda and starting the pieces moving towards a purpose-driven goal.”
Autonomy, influence, and a sense of meaning are associated with lower stress and fewer work-related illnesses, regardless of hours worked.  How do you achieve these for yourself – and provide them for others?

And for a great example of how to demonstrate and share your joy, how about the cart wheeling Verger at Westminster Abbey after the recent Royal wedding?  Think about it…”

© 2011 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Juggling 530: Thinking and Crying

Jane writes: “I read an article recently called ‘It is a crying shame we don’t weep more’.  It referred to research by Professor Gail Kinman who stated ‘Many people feel cleansed after a good cry’.

According to a Tears Factsheet published by the College of Optometrists the tears brought about by emotion contain a different chemical make-up than other tears; they have more protein.  It has been suggested that by excreting these hormones in the form of tears, your body helps you feel calmer and less emotional afterwards.

So if someone you’re with needs to cry – let it happen.  Don’t judge them by their ability to ‘hold themselves together’, allow them to connect with and respond to their grief, anger, happiness or pain, and potentially benefit from doing so.

Nancy Kline understands this.  Read Chapter 9 in her book ‘Time to Think’ where she talks about how crying can make you smarter.

Kinman says ‘We cannot sustain strong emotions for very long and have to dampen them somehow.  A good cry is a great way of doing that.’

What can you do when someone needs to cry at work? Think about it…”

© 2011 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com


3D Juggling 497: Orange Juice

We had a great day on Saturday with year 13s writing UCAS statements:  “An excellent short course on the basics to understanding what needs to be in your personal statement, excellent for a starting point and for working out what unique things you offer.” There’ll be another one on 27th November.

Jane writes: “Are you sometimes surprised by what comes out of people? Maybe its anger that you didn’t expect in response to something you did or said. Maybe it’s what feels like inappropriate tears or laughter.

We are all unique individuals and it is sometimes worth reminding ourselves that those people who know us well are willing to forgive us things that others might not. This is because they know some of our story; they understand why certain things might trigger extreme responses. When we are working with people whose stories we don’t know, and this will often be at ‘work’, it can be easy to be confused or irritated by responses that we didn’t anticipate. Especially when these get in the way of us getting the job done.

I was reminded recently of a quote from Wayne Dyer.  “When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out – because that’s what’s inside. When you are squeezed, what comes out is what is inside.”

What comes out of you when you’re squeezed, maybe as a result of somebody else’s behaviour or an unexpected piece of news? Has it ever surprised you? Remember that others may also be surprised by what comes out of them when they’re under pressure. You won’t help them by judging them, or by focusing on how their response is making you feel. You might help them by acknowledging their response and allowing it. Their response is likely to be the only one that is possible at that moment. You don’t need to know why, but you do need to let them know that it’s okay to be feeling that way.

How confident you do you feel about helping them to be okay with how they’re feeling and how that is being expressed?  How do you help them to focus on where they need to be next?

Talk to us about working with difference. We can support this through the development of coaching skills and action learning sets in your organisation, or maybe just through helping you learn how to have different types of conversations when faced with unexpected responses to what’s going on around you.”

© 2010 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Juggling 403: Finding Happiness

Claire writes: ‘I don’t know whether I am happy today as I have a few days leave coming up or whether it is because I have had a great conversation with a colleague. Maybe it’s just because the sun is shining. I have to confess to a certain annoyance at one of the contestants on this series of ‘The Restaurant’. She appears outrageously happy – almost all the time. And when she’s not, it’s because she has fled the set in tears.

Father Christopher Jamison from Worth Abbey was interviewed on Radio 4 about his new book: Finding Happiness  ‘Trying to be happy all the time seems like rather hard work’, he said ‘Maybe happiness is knowing good and doing good’. Something to ponder.

Love this? Do us a favour and send it to five people. Who thinks like you? You could send it to someone who you know who is happy!

(c) 2008 3D Coaching Ltd

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