Claire writes: “Every December, our family writes an A to Z of the year remembering, with some prompting of the alphabet, the highlights of what we have done. This year will be no different, albeit tinged with a deep sadness of the two close friends who have died during the year. One of them, Lydia, had been our companion in A-to-Z-ing since we met about 3 years ago. So the year’s review has been on my mind. In coaching we often ask the question ‘what do you know now that you didn’t know when we started talking today?’
I like that as a review question. Which has made today be thinking more about what have we learned this year, than what have we done?
What have we learned this year at 3D?
What do you know now that you didn’t know at the beginning of the year?”
Ⓒ 3D Coaching Ltd 2019
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Claire writes: “We have written before about the usefulness of David Clutterbuck’s 4 Is to close a conversation together. And how it can be used to co-create some written output from a conversation when that’s useful. It’s great in appraisals. Especially for people who are averse to goals or objectives.
Ruth and I were training the other day and when I came to unpack the kit in the office, she’s written me a post it: What if the 5th I was instead?
That’s a great start to a follow up conversation when people feel guilty they didn’t do what they intended: What did you do instead?
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Claire writes: “It amazes me how some professionals instinctively know what is an hour – or, in the case of GPs, 10 minutes. I notice as I listen to people having conversations that even when there has been partnership throughout a conversation, the person with the perceived power, or role power often takes the lead in ending. ‘We are at the end of our time. Shall we continue talking about this (massive thing) next week?’ Or ‘Let’s stop there’. There has been no shared discussion that the end is coming.
If I take the sole responsibility for landing, it’s not partnership anymore. That’s like landing the plane without giving notice that passengers need to return to their seats and fasten their seat belts. How unsettling is that? Or I land the plane on a desert island where I expect you to stay until I can meet you again next week.
We notice that the most significant learning happens after a conversation is over. And only if we have co-created the end in partnership. Although it can feel rude to talk about time, saying:
“We have ten minutes left what do we need to do between now and the end to get where we need to be?”
And
“So in our final two minutes?”
…”Have we finished?”
Often people say yes we have finished in a tone that sounds like no. So I simply say “and in the minute we have left what do we need to do?” They know so that when we come back to land the second time, we do.
When we land well they continue the thinking and learning journey. We know that because we ask them.
It’s interesting to notice that pilots begin the descent well before the plane is over its destination. It feels risky to start the end before we have seen transformation. And yet the insights often come on the descent to the end. All we need to do is trust the process.”
© 2019 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: “Sam emailed round the team last week to share that in order to support people to embed their learning, she was asking them to reflect and practice more after they have left the training room. She asks people to complete a reflective log to bring back to the next day of training. Knowing how difficult some us find it to deliver on good intentions, we tried it this week with a different group. We invited them to ask two questions at the end of each day for the next three days only:
Whether it’s after training, having coaching or even reading a great book, I wonder what new insights we might gain if we did that for three days?”
© 2018 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: “At a recent team meeting, Su introduced us to Ebbinghaus’s Forgetting Curve from the late 1800s. His hypothesis was that we need to repeat what we are learning in order to remember it (I’d like to add and therefore to apply it).
This makes sense of our intuitive training style where we ask people
It’s also why we are beginning to introduce refresher modules – to renew energy and insight and to encourage people to apply new ways of having conversations. There will be more of these in 2018 because they work!”
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Claire writes: “On Wednesday we will close the office for 2 weeks. It’s a chance to stop, reset, and re-engage with the other parts of our lives. It is a huge privilege to have met and worked with so many people this year and we have learned from everyone in different ways.
Claire writes: “Acronyms help remember things. A group in Leicester challenged themselves to work out how to make a good ending to a conversation. They came up with CALF:
That final question is interesting. Notice where the responsibility sits when you say ‘Have we finished?’ rather than ‘I think we have finished’. It’s useful.
David Clutterbuck’s Four Is are also a useful end to a conversation – especially if notes need to be made together:
After all, a great end is as important as a great beginning.”
© 2016 3D Coaching Ltd
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Claire writes: ‘Amabile and Kramer‘s research into progress isn’t startling: Any progress is progress. Perhaps it is startling, though, because it helps us to see that even a tiny movement in a conversation can move someone forward.
Which means that ending a conversation with a question like: ‘What do you know now that you didn’t know at the beginning of our conversation‘ can usefully name that progress has, in fact, been made.’
© 2015 3D Coaching Ltd
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Happy New Year from everyone at 3D Coaching
Claire writes: “Supportiveness comes in all shapes and sizes: ‘What are you going to do about it, then?’ may not rank in your top ten for support. And ‘What do you want (would you like) me to do about it?’ whether said or implied can often be what we say when we end up taking responsibility for things that really belong to someone else.
In any conversation, there are three areas of responsibility – yours, mine and what we do together in this conversation (and possibly beyond, depending on our roles). A coaching approach encourages us to be clear about language:
What can WE do in this conversation so that YOU are clear enough about a way forward?
Careful use of we for what’s happening here and now in the process of this conversation, and you for action keeps responsibility where it needs to be. If you’re in a leader, manager or supervisor role and it’s not all down to your colleague taking action, you can always end with ‘Is there anything that I need to do as a result of this conversation?’
People who use this say they sleep better at night!
Principle 10: You action – we process”
© 2015 3D Coaching Ltd
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In the new year we will be starting some Group Mentoring sessions through webinars for people who have had some training in coaching and want to refine and develop skills and possibly move towards accreditation. One group will be low cost and specifically aimed at clergy. Call the office if you’re interested.
Claire writes: ‘Parkinson’s Law that ‘work expands to fill the time available for its completion‘ can certainly be true in one to one conversations. Whether giving or receiving there is a risk that we will try and carry them on longer than is necessary – either by continuing the conversation when we have done what we need to do, or by continuing to meet over time when the encounter has served it’s purpose. It’s tricky as it’s not uncommon to get to know people well enough that spending time together is enjoyable. If that’s the case, promote them to being a coffee or a lunch companion. In coaching, when it’s over it’s over. Not a great business model for independent coaches, but it’s the right thing to do!
Except, of course, when it isn’t! It ain’t over till the fat lady sings – so sometimes we need to raise the challenge at the end – ‘Do you know how you are going to do that?’ can move an intention to an action. Some people use a coaching style conversation as an external thinking partner over time – and those are relationships that will last longer than engagements to work around a specific theme.
Principle 8: When it’s over it’s over’
© 2014 3D Coaching Ltd
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