Claire writes: “Often on Transforming Conversations people say ‘I haven’t got any more problems to bring’. It’s interesting how quickly we assume that 1-1 conversations are to solve problems. They are equally useful to grow, develop and build on positive learning!
There are a number of ways that contracting sets an optimistic future focused tone in the conversation
The hope is in the questions. And that’s what sets the tone.”
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Claire writes: “What a lot of data flies around organisations
Whether we are simply having a conversation, or are interviewing or coaching, we notice how useful it is to be honest about what kind of data we are discussing. ‘What did you see?‘ is a much better question than ‘what do they think?‘ which leads us to assumptions and stories and more…”
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We are delighted to share that Alexandru Popa has joined the 3D team to deliver systemic board and team development. At the same time, Clare Townsend and Ruth Bennett will be developing some events for young people at decision points as well as offering them 1-1 coaching. The 3D Team work will enable us to offer 3D Youth work at low cost. Call the office if you want to talk with Alex, Clare or Ruth.
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Claire writes: ‘There is nothing new under the sun. And everything we learn and share through our work are things some people know intuitively and use sometimes. Yet naming them gives us the opportunity to integrate them more fully into the things we do.
Moving, we know, can both speed up our thinking and help move us from being stuck. Nietzsche said ‘Only those thoughts that come by walking have any value.’ In coaching it’s especially useful because we are more able to notice when our companion is having new insights. A recent tweeter tried it out: @3dclaire might appreciate knowing that, this morning, I walked around Pimlico for 40 minutes, half a centimetre behind someone. It worked a treat. #simplenoteasy’
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Claire writes: “Einstein says we can’t solve a problem in the frame in which created it.
Many problems in organisations have been talked about around meeting room tables plenty of times. Which is why standing up or moving to a different layout or a different place can unlock everything.
I worked with a group a few weeks ago who were amazed how far they got and how optimistic they were able to be. That’s because we did most of the work at the end of the room without furniture. And we didn’t sit down.”
#changethemedium
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Claire writes: ‘I often laugh with people who come to us for training about the fact that reading TS Eliot’s Four Quartets can give more insight into a coaching approach than a stack of text books. Here is Alec Guinness reading them.
Poetry makes connections. The poet Mary Oliver died last week. What I love about poetry is that, like in great coaching, the reader (or thinker) makes their own meaning. Here is an insight from Mary Oliver which I scribbled down a long time ago on the back of a napkin.
“The man who has many answers is often found in the theaters of information where he offers, graciously, his deep findings. While the man who has only questions, to comfort himself, makes music.” ― Mary Oliver, A Thousand Mornings”
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This week’s blog is written by Richard who trained with 3D in 2015. It’s never too late to apply what you are learning… He writes
“Just thought I’d share with you… I have only ever used the buttons that you showed us at Transforming Conversations in the training setting although intending to find an opportunity to use it. Last week, though, I was coaching a couple who work together and have multiple connections between, work, family, church, friends, etc. So I decided to go with it. I explained the concept of systems and asked them to map out their system with the buttons, working together.
At first, I thought it was a bit mundane and wondered if it would work. I said nothing, just watched them and noted down a couple of phrases they used that I thought were revealing. Then after a few minutes, I could see them both start to get red faced, breathing got shallower as they got frustrated with each other and not being able to express themselves. I just kept watching until the husband looked up at me and, with no words, his face and eyes were shouting ‘help’. Me: “This is hard for you isn’t it?”. Both together: “Yes!”. Moments silence…Me: “So what is happening?” Then it all came out and it become a really powerful session for them as they started to work out what their priorities are to keep life, their relationship, other relationships and their organisation all healthy.
So, thank you. I finally took the courage in my hands and tried something a bit different to talking and general use of movement, matching, mis-matching, etc. It was amazing for me to observe how I didn’t need to do anything at all or say very much for it to be really powerful! But I guess you have seen that a few times!”
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Claire writes: ‘What a privilege to train people to increase the likelihood of their having transformational conversations! It’s not possible to ensure that every conversation you have engenders deep transformation. But we work with people to help them to lose the habits that prevent it from happening. Our definition of transformation is that someone understand something in a new way that makes a significant difference to what they do or think or feel. Hawkins and Smith call it ‘a shift in the room’. Others call it a lightbulb moment.
I saw transformation happen the other day in training and someone in the group quoted WB Yeats ‘All are changed. Changed utterly’. This always requires bravery – after all if someone has deep transformation, the conversation you thought you were having has moved not only to a new page – but possibly a new chapter!
And the first step? Listen with your eyes. You’ll see it in a flicker way before you hear it.”
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Claire writes: “If only everything we said in conversations with others was useful! Except it isn’t. There is no such thing as a perfectly executed conversation.
One of the things that we observe is that at least 80% of what we notice in coaching conversations is without value. And about 20% is really useful. I have no idea which is which, so my role in a conversation is to lightly notice what I notice (with a question mark rather than a definite diagnostic tone), to not get precious when it misses and to notice when it lands deeply.
The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.
R. D. Laing
And never apologise when it misses – your apology makes what you are saying about you and may block the moment where someone was just about to have an insight. Just move on!”
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Claire writes: “We had a few parties over the summer and ended up with a fridge full of leftovers. My favourite is the beetroot and lentil salad. That means that when someone in the family says ‘What can I eat?’ and we go over to the fridge, I’m likely to point out the beetroot first! And probably keep pointing it out. Ellie doesn’t like it! What she wants to eat is probably tucked away at the back behind the big tub of… beetroot.
When we use a coaching style and are exploring, the exploring is in service of the thinker not the coach. Noticing is one of the greatest gifts we bring to coaching… as long as we notice together and don’t keep on noticing the beetroot!”
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Claire writes: “One of this week’s delegates says it better than me: “Coaching isn’t a technique. It clears distractions and gets to the heart of the matter.”
It’s been amazing to watch people understand things in a different way. If you were watching a video of Transforming Conversations this week you might say you saw magic happen in many of the conversations going on. But when we start using language like magic, we need to be cautious of power. Coaching is not doing something to someone else. The coach or manager is not a magician. A coaching style works because at a deep level we are exploring your question together and you are getting to the heart of it. When conversations are transformational, you can see something change in the space we have created between us in the conversation we are having together. If you think that came from me, it takes away some of your power and potential. It’s yours!”
If you want to learn to have more transformational conversations, talk to us. There is one space left on this year’s open Transforming Conversations course.
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