Claire writes: “It’s not unusual for the conversations we have to dive deep – but who decides whether we dive or not? A few years ago, we were in Paxos on a family holiday and the girls and I went for a scuba diving lesson. They loved it. I wasn’t ready when we did the deep (for beginners) dive. I hated it – even when the rather gorgeous instructor guided me by the hand along the sea floor. Everyone else saw amazing things. I just wanted to go home! We had, for me, dived too early.
In coaching, we need to have agreed what we are doing together today before we dive at all – and then only with permission. Otherwise we risk taking them places where we want to go that may be at best not useful and at worst resemble my scuba lesson. While we are working out together what to do today – or rightsizing, they may choose to go deep. That’s great – but I need to hold back on depth until we are clear what we are doing today. Otherwise I go to the deep coral because that interests me – and if I had waited I would have heard that today they’d like to look at the old shipwreck in the next bay.”
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Claire writes: “I’ve been thinking a lot about how important it is to go into conversations with empty pockets. Coaching mastery is about integration not accumulation of tools and techniques.
And yet we do go into every conversation with the privilege we do or don’t carry – our education, our gender, our colour or race. I’m grateful to a friend of colour who challenged me to think more deeply about this. Several months ago, when I was writing the book, she told me: ‘You have to talk about it in a way we can’t.’ This took me to listening to some challenging books including Akala’s Natives.
This video is another way of looking at privilege. We can’t get rid of our privilege. But acknowledging it is there is an important step forward if we are going to work in partnership as much as possible. What’s your privilege?
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Claire writes: “On yesterday’s walk I saw a tiny muntjac deer pop his head out from behind some bushes. It was tempting to follow him quietly into the woods by stalking him. In the moment, I chose to continue with the walk I was on. I know that deer live in that wood. I can return to exploring that another day, if I choose.
In conversations, it can be easy to form a hypothesis from an observation or intuition, and follow it to see if we were right or wrong. When we are trying to work in partnership that causes an imbalance of power. Nigel Wellings said ‘Never know first, never know better, never think you know.’
In conversation, partnership means don’t stalk the deer – ask them: Is that a deer – what shall we do now?”
If you want to learn about coaching in partnership, talk to us about how we can help you.
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Claire writes: “We were watching, BBC Drama Call the Midwife last night. It’s a historical drama about a group of midwives in London in the 1960s. In yesterday’s episode they were training young medics to deliver a baby. Several things struck me that connected with the work we do at 3D.
In conversations, it’s easy to turn to tools and techniques, when in fact the person we are with almost always has all the resources they need. They need company. That only works when we can be brave and stay with the process. Coaching is about two people working in partnership in service of the thinking of one of us.
I am struck again by a comment made by Brene Brown in a 2016 interview because coaching and faith have some connections. Neither are an epidural. Both are about companionship on a journey. “I went back to church thinking that it would be like an epidural, like it would take the pain away… that church would make the pain go away. Faith and church was not an epidural for me at all; it was like a midwife who just stood next to me saying, ‘Push. It’s supposed to hurt a little bit.'”
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Claire writes: “As I write, it is the end of Friday and it’s been a busy week at work, and a tough one personally with stuff going on. We have a phrase in our family, introduced by the girls now that they work: Adulting is overrated!
At an event a couple of weeks ago, I found myself noticing with someone that the way they spoke to a colleague sounded a bit parent like. The workplace needs adults and yet even when you like to treat colleagues with respect and belief that they can do things, that may not have been their experience in other roles or with other leaders. Last week, in a training event, someone managed to stop saying ‘I think you should’ (which can be received as code for ‘because I think you haven’t thought about it’) and change it to ‘I’m thinking about x – is that useful’ at which point her colleague smiled and looked away, clearly thinking.
Adulting matters – it’s what it takes to empower people to be their best.”
This blog was inspired by an article in People Management: It’s time to stop parenting your team
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Claire writes: “I wrote about partnership a few blog posts ago. This question is on my mind a lot: what is great partnership in a conversation?
Permission is needed for partnership or else I am doing the leading. Is it useful to…? is a great question.
More significantly, permission is useful when we offer observations. Otherwise it is mixed up and unclear about what’s from me and what’s yours. ‘Can I make an observation… [this is what I notice – you are nodding your head and saying no at the same time] is more powerful than turning it into a question where we might lose the meaning [how motivated are you?].”
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Clare T writes: “My son is in the process of thinking through if University is his best next step. Being armed with all the information and doing a thorough pros and cons analysis of each option is of course a priority. However, this is only part of the picture. Before he hits the “submit” button, choices need to be made.
This is the first major decision Dan has had to make and he is unsure he has skills and ability to make what feels like a massive, life shaping choice. Supporting him in this process has really brought to mind one of the 3D principles – keep the responsibility in the middle.
Dan is keen to have our advice and guidance, which of course is part of our role as parents. He isn’t always very proactive and I could easily take responsibility for all the research and moving forward with the process.
We can all recall times when it was frankly quicker and easier to “tell” someone what to do next rather than providing space and support as they think through a decision for themselves. At this stage, whilst the thinking takes place, it feels pretty supportive to him to know that the responsibility can be held in the middle, it is not mine to hold and nor does Dan have to hold it alone. When he is ready to make the decision and the thinking is done, the decision will be his and he will feel much more skilled and empowered to take it but until he is ready and at that point, the responsibility can stay in its rightful place of being in the middle. “
Do you have conversations with young people and find at times it’s easier frankly to “tell” rather than support them to move forward in their own thinking? Do you want more effective conversations? Join Claire and Ruth at a free webinar where we will look at how this can be possible. Tuesday 15th October 19.00 – 19.45 (UK)”
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Claire writes: “Last week’s post was about how holding onto the ball in a conversation can interrupt someone’s thinking. Using too many words has the same effect. I notice that the more words I use, the more I look like an expert – and the less work you do.
Less is more. We often challenge delegates on courses to make every question 5 words or less! Try it!”
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Claire writes: “We have run a few courses in the last month where organisations are hoping that a coaching style will enable people to pass on responsibility and knowledge in their encounters with others.
The challenge is that people do what they normally do when they are where they normally are. If we have sat in this place in numerous conversations where you have taken the responsibility, you using different words will probably make little difference! The reason for that is that although you can learn not to take the responsibility, if I give it to you, you still have it!
Here are a few things that we know make a difference – we’d love you to comment on the blog and add your own:
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Claire writes: “We took Transforming Conversations to Cape Town last week to work with an organisation building capacity in local staff. So much learning for me! Three things have happened in the space of a few days.
Firstly, as I left, they gave me a bag of gifts which included a card with this quote from Nelson Mandela: “If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.”
Secondly, a delegate asked if he could dip out of the practice and read the manual. I said no! It’s all about the practice #ancient ‘One must learn by doing the thing; or though you think you know it you have no certainty until you try’ Sophocles 415BC
And then yesterday while I was pondering this at my desk, I received a text from a friend who’d just read The Thin Book of Naming Elephants “…leadership ultimately comes down to conversations and connections; asking questions; listening to responses; and ensuring that impact matches intent.”
This is why learning to work better in partnership matters a lot. Conversations look different with different people. And we only know that when we get great feedback which is why practicing and getting feedback is terrifying… and extremely useful.”
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