Claire writes: “As I write, it is the end of Friday and it’s been a busy week at work, and a tough one personally with stuff going on. We have a phrase in our family, introduced by the girls now that they work: Adulting is overrated!
At an event a couple of weeks ago, I found myself noticing with someone that the way they spoke to a colleague sounded a bit parent like. The workplace needs adults and yet even when you like to treat colleagues with respect and belief that they can do things, that may not have been their experience in other roles or with other leaders. Last week, in a training event, someone managed to stop saying ‘I think you should’ (which can be received as code for ‘because I think you haven’t thought about it’) and change it to ‘I’m thinking about x – is that useful’ at which point her colleague smiled and looked away, clearly thinking.
Adulting matters – it’s what it takes to empower people to be their best.”
This blog was inspired by an article in People Management: It’s time to stop parenting your team
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Claire writes: “I wrote about partnership a few blog posts ago. This question is on my mind a lot: what is great partnership in a conversation?
Permission is needed for partnership or else I am doing the leading. Is it useful to…? is a great question.
More significantly, permission is useful when we offer observations. Otherwise it is mixed up and unclear about what’s from me and what’s yours. ‘Can I make an observation… [this is what I notice – you are nodding your head and saying no at the same time] is more powerful than turning it into a question where we might lose the meaning [how motivated are you?].”
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Clare T writes: “My son is in the process of thinking through if University is his best next step. Being armed with all the information and doing a thorough pros and cons analysis of each option is of course a priority. However, this is only part of the picture. Before he hits the “submit” button, choices need to be made.
This is the first major decision Dan has had to make and he is unsure he has skills and ability to make what feels like a massive, life shaping choice. Supporting him in this process has really brought to mind one of the 3D principles – keep the responsibility in the middle.
Dan is keen to have our advice and guidance, which of course is part of our role as parents. He isn’t always very proactive and I could easily take responsibility for all the research and moving forward with the process.
We can all recall times when it was frankly quicker and easier to “tell” someone what to do next rather than providing space and support as they think through a decision for themselves. At this stage, whilst the thinking takes place, it feels pretty supportive to him to know that the responsibility can be held in the middle, it is not mine to hold and nor does Dan have to hold it alone. When he is ready to make the decision and the thinking is done, the decision will be his and he will feel much more skilled and empowered to take it but until he is ready and at that point, the responsibility can stay in its rightful place of being in the middle. “
Do you have conversations with young people and find at times it’s easier frankly to “tell” rather than support them to move forward in their own thinking? Do you want more effective conversations? Join Claire and Ruth at a free webinar where we will look at how this can be possible. Tuesday 15th October 19.00 – 19.45 (UK)”
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Claire writes: “Last week’s post was about how holding onto the ball in a conversation can interrupt someone’s thinking. Using too many words has the same effect. I notice that the more words I use, the more I look like an expert – and the less work you do.
Less is more. We often challenge delegates on courses to make every question 5 words or less! Try it!”
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Claire writes: “We have run a few courses in the last month where organisations are hoping that a coaching style will enable people to pass on responsibility and knowledge in their encounters with others.
The challenge is that people do what they normally do when they are where they normally are. If we have sat in this place in numerous conversations where you have taken the responsibility, you using different words will probably make little difference! The reason for that is that although you can learn not to take the responsibility, if I give it to you, you still have it!
Here are a few things that we know make a difference – we’d love you to comment on the blog and add your own:
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Claire writes: “We took Transforming Conversations to Cape Town last week to work with an organisation building capacity in local staff. So much learning for me! Three things have happened in the space of a few days.
Firstly, as I left, they gave me a bag of gifts which included a card with this quote from Nelson Mandela: “If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.”
Secondly, a delegate asked if he could dip out of the practice and read the manual. I said no! It’s all about the practice #ancient ‘One must learn by doing the thing; or though you think you know it you have no certainty until you try’ Sophocles 415BC
And then yesterday while I was pondering this at my desk, I received a text from a friend who’d just read The Thin Book of Naming Elephants “…leadership ultimately comes down to conversations and connections; asking questions; listening to responses; and ensuring that impact matches intent.”
This is why learning to work better in partnership matters a lot. Conversations look different with different people. And we only know that when we get great feedback which is why practicing and getting feedback is terrifying… and extremely useful.”
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Claire writes: “I have just read an interesting article on reverse mentoring. Alex, one of our systemic team coaches, says he has seen it work well. For example with young graduate recruits mentoring senior leaders on their use of tech.
What about reverse coaching, I wonder? My current learning is about power and partnership. Coaching only works when there is enough capacity between the two people in the conversation to work in partnership. We teach a lot about keeping the responsibility in the middle by co-creating the conversation. Interestingly, even when people are great at not taking the responsibility in a conversation, it’s another lesson altogether to notice when the thinker gives it to you. Unless you give it back and return to co-creating you will still be holding it. Which puts the power out of balance.
We notice that this shared responsibility and co-creation can work even when there is a differential in role power when the coach, or the facilitator of the conversation, pays attention to make sure they aren’t doing all the work. Even when they are the line manager.
So why not reverse coaching? We’d be interested to hear your thoughts?
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Claire writes: “We had our first practicum of 2019 this morning – where we all coach, listen and observe. It’s great learning. Someone was thinking about a situation at work and the coach asked: ‘I wonder how much challenge is comfortable for them?’
Asking ‘how much challenge is comfortable’ sounds like we are asking our colleague to report to us. Changing the question to ‘I wonder…’ is an invitation to step back, together, and see something differently. It worked! In the feedback, the thinker said that this one question would have been enough because that’s where the insight came…without even answering it!
Stepping back and asking people is powerful. It demonstrates the value of partnership in conversations.
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This week’s blog comes from our friend Val Hastings. He and Claire co-hosted some webinars about challenge and radical candour. There was lots of learning and this is some (longer than usual and useful!)
Val writes: “On a recent training call with coaches, we got on to the topic of the word coaching. They didn’t like it, and that prompted some good discussion. If we weren’t called coaches, what else could we be called? A few alternatives came up, including apprentice.
Yes, we can see how a coaching client is like an apprentice, seeking to gain some insights from the previous experience of the coach – particularly when the coach has dealt with similar work challenges or lifestyle situations as the client is facing now.
But where the conversation really took a fascinating turn was when we looked at the coach as apprentice, and what would happen if we did. Instead of an expert-apprentice dynamic, what if there were two apprentices? What if coach and client are in apprenticeship together?
Part of what the student coaches didn’t like about the term coach was that it implies, “I’m the expert; I’m the wise one.” If we’re all in apprenticeship, on the other hand, we’re all in continual learning, continual honing of our skills and strengths. “I don’t have the answer, but here’s what works for me.”
As coaches we are always learning from our clients; that’s the curiosity piece that is so essential to the relationship. If we’re all in apprenticeship, it opens up permission and opportunity for this to happen even more.
When it’s just two apprentices in the room and no expert, there is a sense of freedom that can unlock all sorts of new ideas and possibilities. A mutual sharing occurs, and a combined wisdom emerges. None of us have the answer, and yet the answer shows up.
A 2014 series of experiments at Harvard Business School looked at how getting into a “beginner’s mind” helps break what is called “the curse of knowledge.” They asked one group of expert guitarists to flip their guitar around so they’d be strumming with their left hand and forming chords with their right hand. The other group played normally.
Then both groups were asked to comment on videos of beginner guitar players who were struggling. The expert guitarists who played backwards and were forced to learn a new way to play were more encouraging to beginner guitarists, and gave specific and actionable advice. Those who’d played their guitar normally had less empathy for the beginners and tended to point out their errors or flaws instead of helping them get better.
That’s a good reminder for when we as coaches are tempted to slip into advice-giving mode. We’re much more empathetic and useful when we can see ourselves as novices. Coaching as apprenticeship levels the power in the relationship and I don’t think we can underestimate the importance of that power dynamic.
The apprentice is not starting from scratch, and neither are our coaching clients. Each party – coach and client, apprentice and expert, brings important learning. As an apprentice, I’m not trying to solve a problem or convey expert advice; I’m trying to stimulate you and be a catalyst to get your thinking going. This is the difference between solving the problem, and developing the person. I don’t know the answers but I’m curious about what you already know.
In coaching as apprenticeship, it’s like we are trying to flip the guitar around and look at how learning happens, not just bestow an expert answer. It’s about turning clients into beginners, and we as coaches being willing to go there with them and be beginners as well.” For more blogs like this, please check out Val’s website
Claire writes: ‘In the interests of experimentation, for the last two weeks I have asked every group I have worked with whether they like being fixed, or having their problems solved by others. That’s about 150 people. About 5 people said they like it. About 145 don’t!
And yet, when facilitating conversations, most people recognised that their preference, or the style that they have adopted is to listen to solve, fix or rescue.
This reminds me of Mrs Do-as-you-would-be-done-by from The Water Babies. After all, if the answer is in the question it’s not a question. And as Stuart Reid commented on LinkedIn (heard through Roger Schwarz) if you can put ‘you idiot’ on the end of a question without substantially changing the meaning, that’s fixing too!’
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