Tag: conflict

3D Ideas 738: Ten in the Bed

bed-1545988_1920Claire writes: “Do you wake up in the night sometimes thinking about and even talking to someone who has got under your skin? I do.  Of course they aren’t really there and they certainly don’t know that I wake up with them… and yet we can spend hours in imaginary dialogue.


They are not to blame.  I made that happen.  Noticing the number of conversations I have with people who also wake up in the night thinking about someone at work, this is quite common.

 

I was recently chatting with someone who was clearly set to take the colleague home in his head for another sleepless night. We talked about that being a choice, and he commented that he would love to leave the colleague at work if he could.  In the end, all he did was write their name on a piece of paper and hand it to me.  As I put it in my pocket, he sighed.  ‘That feels so different’, he said. He has chosen to leave hois thoughts at the office.  I didn’t even read it and just slipped the paper into a bin at the station.  He had a better conversation with the colleague the following day for not having stayed awake with them.”

 

© 2016 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com  Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email

3D Juggling 585: Spanners and Kites

We’ve been busy in the last few weeks preparing to restructure the business so that it better reflects our values.  Watch this space and we will share when we get there!

Claire writes: “Misunderstandings happen all the time.  Every time we open our mouth, there’s a risk of a misunderstanding.  Mostly we are understood.  But at worst, misunderstandings take considerable recovery time and can affect organisations and relationships.

Sometimes we just need to be more clear.  If you are flying a kite, and raising possibilities (that don’t have a fully formed business plan) or thinking around a problem, say what you’re doing.  Otherwise your kite can be received as a spanner in the works.

When do you need to be clearer and stand in the shoes of your listener? Think about it…”

If it would be useful to talk this through, call us on 01462 483798.

© 2012 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Juggling 575: Being Right

Claire writes:  How much tension do we experience when people need to make someone else wrong in order for them to be right?  And how much time do we waste?

Next time you are in a meeting or in conversation with colleagues and there are strong opinions on both sides , try explicitly telling them they are both right and then share responsibility together to decide what to do next. You will stop wasting time and energy on making something wrong. And start focussing on a way forward.

You’re right that from your perspective our customer service is excellent and you are right that from your perspective it needs attention.  So how can we understand those insights enough to help us find a way forward?

“Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right” Laurens Van der Post

If it would be useful to talk this through, call us to talk more.  And if you have a 3D Juggling idea, we’d love to hear from you.

© 2012 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Juggling 520: Communicating Effectively

Jane writes: Towards the end of the 1967 movie Cool Hand Luke, Luke says “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate”.  Then he gets shot. What he said may have been true, but it didn’t achieve the best of outcomes.

Communicating effectively is core to our success at work, at home, in our communities.  It’s particularly important when we need to be agile during times of change.  It doesn’t mean always saying what we feel or think when we’re feeling or thinking it and leaving the other person to deal with the fallout, and it doesn’t mean holding onto stuff until we explode over everyone.  Maybe something that John Galliano should have understood.  France, as Galliano is in the process of finding out, is a secular society with a zero tolerance policy to incitement of religious hatred, with culprits facing up to six months in jail.

Effective communication does mean treating others with respect, exchanging some meaning (so listening and checking things out is important), and creating some value.  It allows for different views and beliefs, recognising that where these are different it is possible to acknowledge this and respect the other person’s position – allowing us to carry on our conversation.

We like  the advice given in Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success in Work and in Life, One Conversation at a Time by Susan Scott, and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.

The phrase ‘what we’ve got here is failure to communicate’ is often used to allocate blame when it has not been possible to reach agreement about something, especially when we view the other person as a powerful opponent.  What difference could it make if we viewed them as someone with a different view or agenda to ours rather than an opponent, and acknowledged this as a starting point for a new conversation?

© 2011 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Juggling 490: Litigation – or conversation?

Jane writes: “Are you having to find savings that mean other’s jobs might disappear?  Check out these statistics.  Last year the number of unfair dismissal claims accepted by employment tribunals increased by 9% to 57,400.  Claims associated with redundancy pay rose by 76% to 19,000.  Age discrimination claims rose by 37% to 5,200.

So how can you and your organisation minimise the risk of litigation when people have to leave even though they don’t want to?  When they’re not interested in the reasons why their job has gone, just the impact this has?  When they’re scared about the future and want someone to blame?  Obviously you need to follow any procedures that your organisation has put in place to comply with legislation, but how can you help people to leave with a good story to tell about their experience of leaving, even if they didn’t want to go?

People are likely to be prepared to ‘have a go’ at making a claim because they don’t have much to lose and could benefit to the tune of a few thousand pounds – even where you have followed all the correct procedures. They may be more likely to ‘have a go’ if they feel that their concerns and fears haven’t been considered, or if they feel that all the goodwill and expertise they have invested in your organisation is being treated as worthless.  So make time to talk, and to listen.  These are urgent and important tasks – make them a priority.

Invite conversations about reality – theirs, not yours. Hear their concerns and fears without judgement.  You don’t need to take responsibility for what happens after they leave, but you should take responsibility for helping them to understand why they are leaving and what they are taking with them.  Help them to recognise and accept their responses to unwelcome change, and to recognise and articulate their skills and achievements so that they can explain these to others.  Thank them for whatever you can be honestly grateful for.

The number of claims accepted by employment tribunals in 2009-10 was 236,100, an increase of 56% on the previous year. This is the highest figure on record.

What do you need to do to avoid being associated with this increase?”

© 2010 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

Fact: Employment Tribunals are independent judicial bodies who determine disputes between employers and employees over employment rights.  Fighting a claim may cost £5k a day (and that doesn’t include figures in respect of compensation).

3D Juggling 484: 70-68 In the Final Set

Claire writes:  “Did you, like me, watch the end of the Isner/Mahut match more than once?  On Tuesday, on Wednesday several times… and again on Thursday?  183 games with each player attacking and defending in equal measure.  It was an impasse.

Isn’t that what happens at work sometimes?  A colleague will comment or make a small criticism and the other person will defend themselves in a way that is aften received as an attack.  ‘I didn’t mean it like that. I meant….’ The dialogue continues.  Except that it is not dialogue. It’s an impasse.  And the longer an impasse continues, the more there is to lose.  It becomes a battle of egos. Isner and Mahut were each representing themselves and their country.  At work, we are all mean to to be working in service of the organisation and what it is there for! And time, relationships and even money are spent in battles which are being fought and lost.

The tennis match was always going to end in win/lose.  Can you imagine them agreeing they could both win?! At work, we need to take a higher view, and consider what the organisation needs. And perhaps the dialogue comes out of the question: ‘How can we…?'”

© 2010 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Juggling 432: Words

Elizabeth writes: “Politics is a hot topic this week! A politician was in the news again for controversial remarks made in frustration with a reporter. For days he was hounded for an apology. Even if he didn’t intend to offend, he did.

The way we use language is always important. We are responsible for how we are heard as well as what we say. Our tone of voice and body language all contribute, and even when no malice is intended, these can lead to misunderstandings. As individuals, we all have different views, cultures and ethics and what offends one may be nothing to another. As living beings we have specific needs, feelings, values and opinions. We can cause injury and hurt through our careless concern or lack of empathy for the other.

The challenge is to communicate in a way that is heard and understood by someone so even if the message is difficult to hear, it does not deliberately offend. This can only come from dialogue rooted in self-esteem and a genuine sense of equality with the other person – an intention to connect with the other through mutual respect.

We can listen patiently and seek the truth that other people’s opinions may contain for us. Think it possible that we may be mistaken! Otherwise, differences + tension = conflict. How are you heard by colleagues?”

Love this? Do us a favour and send it to five people. Who thinks like you? You could send it to someone who feels misunderstood.

© 2009 3D Coaching Ltd May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

3D Juggling 402: Optimising Time

Claire writes: “Did you know that on average HR professionals spend 3.4 hours every week managing conflict at work? This is one of the findings from a new survey report on conflict management quoted by CIPD this month.

What would be possble if we could spend that time doing something more productive because conflict was dealt with before it got out of control? I’ve been in two different organisations this week where the managers are spending an inordinate amount of time dealing with conflict. That’s time not spent doing something else. When people lock horns, the problem has become intractable and the metaphorical head to head allows absolutely no space to move or to think. That’s where there is enormous value of bringing in a third person. What happens when you add a third side to a 2 sided shape? The triangle offers room to manouvre and to think so that a constructive and healthy way forward can be found. Too often, organisations leave these communication difficulties until they are stuck. Much earlier conversations can provide a much more cost effective and fruitful outcome. Is it time to add a third side to a conversation you are having?”

Love this? Do us a favour and send it to five people. Who thinks like you? You could send it to someone who you know who needs a third side!

(c) 2008 3D Coaching Ltd