Tag: communication

3D Juggling 671: Ask Them

Claire writes: ‘In almost every part of our work, showing that we don’t know what to do next can be seen as weakness. Which is why the coaching principle ‘Ask them’ is so refreshing. It translates into other conversations, too. If you have come to a natural break, ask ‘Where are we now? What do we need to do between now and when we finish for this to be useful?’

If we believe that coaching is transformational and the person you are talking to can make an internal shift you won’t know unless you ask. Otherwise you will be coaching where they were 5 or 10 minutes ago and they may be inhabiting a totally new mindset.

Principle 15: Ask them

© 2015 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

Register here to receive our blog posts every Monday by email

3D Juggling 662: Say what you see

What a privilege to have sponsored the Emerging Leader awards for the NHS London Leadership Academy last week. Congratulations to Durka Dougall and Charlotte Hazelton who were joint winners.

Claire writes: ‘There’s a lot happening in a conversation – the words, the tone, the pace, the silence. One of the coaching tools that can be used in any dialogue is to say what we see or hear. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Chris Argyris’ Ladder of Inference reminds us how easy it is to add interpretation and assumptions to what we see so that imagination spirals out of control and we start changing our behaviour based on what we assume and not what actually happened.

What we can learn from coaching is to work on what is seen – the video – rather than the commentary. This can be helpful when the person we are talking to is talking about a third party. When they diagnose ‘They were angry’ we can ask ‘What did you see?’

This takes practice because when a conversation is transformed we will be saying what we see without judgement, interpretation or performance anxiety. Try it!

Principle 6: Say what you see without judgement’

© 2014 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely. Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com
Subscribe to 3D Juggling

 

3D Juggling 660: Stop Talking!

It’s official – we are dropping the coaching word from the name of our coaching skills training! It’s simply about Transforming Conversations! We will continue to train people to use all the simplicity of coaching… and it will continue change every kind of conversation.  (Can be used for accredititation for people wanting to take coaching further and stand alone for those who don’t)

Claire writes: “On courses, delegates are often keen to find out what we are thinking when we are coaching.  We have started doing a demonstration where they can stop us mid conversation to enquire what’s happening. Two things happen:

  • often the answer is we are not thinking anything – we are just listening
  • the person being coached has to wait while the coach talks to the group

When we return to the conversation and ask: ‘Where are you now?’ they have always made some significant progress.  Because we stopped talking!

Principle 4: Be silent and ask questions where necessary”

© 2014 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com
Subscribe to 3D Juggling

3D Juggling 658: Right Here Right Now

Claire writes: ‘People and their stuff are so interesting, if you’re that way inclined, that it’s easy to spend a lot of time finding out more and more.  That means in many 1-1s, the person becomes less significant as we engage in earnest listening and talking to their stuff – and not to them.  It feels supportive and interested… but unless we ask what we need to do right here and right now in this conversation, we may well end up going off at some very useful tangents or revisiting things they have thought about already.

What we are learning is that it’s easy to get back on track if that happens – all you have to ask is – ‘So, right here right now, what’s the most helpful thing we can do to move that forward.’  Occasionally people will ask you to solve that problem you were talking to – if that is in your gift – but most often they will ask you for something different!

Principle 2: Talk to the person not the problem’

© 2014 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com
Subscribe to 3D Juggling

3D Juggling 656: Coaching is simple – simple isn’t easy

Claire writes: ‘Nicky and I had a great day over the summer cutting back the materials we use on our courses to make them even more simple.  We are now teaching about 20% of what we taught ten years ago.  And people are getting more skilled more quickly.

We think there are just 15 principles to making a conversation (coaching or not) effective.  So we’ll have a look at them over the next few weeks.  None of them are rocket science as you will see!

3D’s Coaching Principles

1.    Contract for time as well as subject
2.    Talk to the person not the problem – right here right now
3.    Change hats with consent
4.    Be silent and ask questions where necessary
5.    Stand in a different place
6.    Name it – Say what you see without judgement
7.    Do it now: Real play
8.    When it’s over, it’s over
9.    Show the working out
10.    You action – we process
11.    Match for rapport – mismatch for change
12.    Name it
13.    Keep the responsibility in the middle
14.    Keep out of the way
15.    Ask them

That’s it!’

© 2014 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

Subscribe to 3D Juggling

3D Juggling 649: Nonsense

Claire writes: “Some people simply don’t know what they think until they speak.  I’ve had a number of conversations about this in the last couple of weeks with people who know that they need to do it to understand, and are aware of the impact it may have on others, and yet don’t know what to do about it.

It’s the difference between impact and intention, which we have talked about before.  What is emerging sense to one person can be received as nonsense (or a fully formed business plan) by someone else, who may have stopped focussing by the time the external processor has come to the point.

Whether this is an interview, or a board meeting or a conversation with a colleague, showing the working out can make sense of the nonsense:
‘Let me think out loud….’
‘So what I really mean/ think/ am saying is…'”

© 2014 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com

Subscribe to 3D Juggling

3D Juggling 641: Divergent

Claire writes: “One of my committments for 2014 has been to dip out of work early to watch a Friday Matinee with my daughter.

Friday’s film choice was Noah or Divergent.  Having no desire to see Noah, we went into Divergent with absolutely no idea what it was about.  It’s a great film – and the first in a trilogy.  It has much to teach us about the world of diagnostics and labels.  In this world, people live in factions which can easily align with many communications-style profiles.  Amity are kind and peaceful.  Abnegation are selfless servers, Candor value honesty, Dauntless are the protectors and Erudite are smart and logical. There is no room in this world for people who are more than monochrome in the way they engage, and people live in Factions.  They choose at 16 in a ceremony resembling Harry Potter’s Sorting Hats, and there is no capacity to change or develop. Those who don’t fit – or fit in more than one faction are called Divergents.

In that dead time before the film started, I was mulling over a comment someone had just made on a residential: “Is it OK to be an introvert?”. Organisations and society need people who can change and develop and work with others who are different from them, and we need to ensure that our working practices support that.  Yes, of course it is OK to be an introvert.  And residential programmes  need to have space for introverts to flourish, contribute and recover.  Healthy organisations need divergent people not factions.”

© 2014 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com
Subscribe to 3D Juggling

3D Juggling 622: In or Out?

We have just been noticing the way 3D Juggling has developed in the last 12 years beginning as a weekly email about work life balance and moving into thoughts about work, career change and one to ones and particularly using some of the core skills from coaching.

Claire writes: “For me, a coaching approach is about helping another person think new things about a situation.  The books say that curiosity is an important skill of listening and yet we are listening to help the OTHER person understand.  Which means that we won’t necessarily leave having heard all the data that would be really interesting to know!  And some of their thinking will happen silently inside their head.

Interrupting someone’s story can be useful.  Interrupting their thinking is not.  Useful questions might be:

  • Assume I know everything, so what do we need to think about today?
  • I don’t need to know that – unless it’s helpful for you to say it
  • What’s your most important question about that?

All of these help the person we are listening to do some thinking on the inside.  It’s faster and can be more effective that speaking everything out loud.  Although we’d love to know more information, we probably don’t need to know!

And at the end of a conversation,

  • Do you know how you’re going to take that forward? is the kind of question that will help them clarify for themselves if they know.  And if they don’t know, we can work it out together

Some people are particularly grateful when we stop expecting them to tell us everything.  Often they are the people who go quiet and write things after we have asked a question.”

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com
Subscribe to 3D Juggling

3D Juggling 607: Riddles and Risk

If you’ve been waiting for our next day for people wanting to work on communication, conflict and confidence using DiSC, we have now booked this at the Goldsmith’s Centre in Letchworth on Tuesday 4th June.

Claire writes: “I heard David Clutterbuck talking at the University of Hertfordshire recently where he described no less than six levels of listening – ranging from listening to argue to listening to help the other person understand.  Many of us are eager to listen to problem solve – especially at work or when someone comes with a thorny issue. His sixth and highest level is listening with the human eye and without intent – which is what we endeavour to do in coaching.

Listening is often more about listening to mystery and riddles than it is to making total sense and coming up with fully formed solutions. Rilke describes it well in Letters to a Young Poet (1934): “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now.”

Many of the challenges we encounter at work and in the world are complex.  As an article in Smithsonian magazine puts it, we would do well to know whether we are exploring a mystery or solving a puzzle.

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com
Subscribe to 3D Juggling

3D Juggling 591: Enough is Enough

There is still a space on 27th November at the Action Learning Set Facilitator Training in London. WOuld you like to join us?  If you are ICF Member, the main sessions from the conference are now up on the website in the members area.  Worth watching!

Claire writes: “When I started 3D in the late 1990s, I had a landline and an Amstrad PCW.  Now we run most of the business on the cloud off phones, laptops and iPads!  Technology has really helped make working smarter, easier, faster…

But it’s quicker to email than to phone, it’s less hassle to text than to go and have a conversation face to face.  And there is considerable concern now from early advocates of technology that todays young adults are losing the ability to have conversations.  Sherry Turkle, talks on this TED lecture about her change of heart  And todays young adults didn’t get technologically savvy until they were 4 or 5 or 6 which raises questions about the iGeneration.

I remember advice from someone who used to be in sales:  For every 5 emails make a phone call, and for every ten try and meet up face to over a face to face coffee!

When’s enough eCommunication enough, and when is it time to meet? Think about it…?”

© 2012 3D Coaching Ltd
May be distributed freely.  Please retain contact details: www.3dcoaching.com and send a copy/ link to info@3dcoaching.com