3D Juggling 609: Going Round in Triangles

April 19, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Claire writes: “It’s not often that a day goes by without hearing someone talking about what has been done to them or hasn’t been done for them.  Whether it’s about parents or children, partners, colleagues, volunteers or bosses, it happens.  It can sabotage adult to adult relationships. We hear it in organisations all the time.  People perceive that others have power over them and are ‘doing to’ them (persecutor). Others feel that they have less power than others and experience feelings of being victims.  And often managers or leaders or vicars or parents or friends or coaches want to or are invited to take the role of rescuer and we end up going round in circles.

Karpman drew from his experience in transactional analysis and noticed that when these three positions are taken, it’s not long before people change roles.  The victim becomes the persecutor, the persecutor is invited to rescue, and so on.  Karpman called it the Drama Triangle.

If you are a manager or leader or vicar or parent or friend or coach and are asked to – or tempted to – step into the rescuer role, remember that you could make the situation worse by taking that power.  It’s not that complex to make a difference because instead of doing that, you can share the power:

  • How can I help you work out what to do now?
  • What can I do now to help you think through that conversation you need to have?

In some teams and organisations, there are many victims, persecutors and rescuers and it is costly in time and money and relationships.  You can begin to shift that one conversation at a time.  In fact, that’s not too difficult.  What is harder is to do that consistently. That’s where culture changes.  But some of us rather like being rescuers.  And in the short term, it is quicker.

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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Filed Under: Coaching Supervision, conflict, leadership, working with people Tagged With: , , ,

3D Juggling 608: Rock, Paper, Scissors

April 15, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Claire writes: “Rock, paper scissors the game – whatever you do, it’s not clear which is the most important – it changes all the time. Whether we are coaching, or doing any other kind of one to ones, many of us are working in complex organisations or situations where it is not clear what is the most important thing. Complexity is complex.  Michael Carroll says that ‘everything we do in our work has an ethical underpinning’.  It’s about the values we hold and the choices we make.  We notice that professional bodies have great ethical codes which focus on the encounter with the room – trust, confidentiality, appropriate behaviour etc.  But when we solely focus on the person we are working with, we can miss some important understandings

  • Who IS the customer or client? The individual – or the organisation – or other stakeholders?
  • How do you keep the needs of the organisation in the room – as well as the individual?
  • we don’t know what we don’t know

We notice that there are particular ethical issues that emerge in this complexity.  That’s why I am speaking tomorrow about the ethics of working in organisations. It would be great to see you at the University of Hertfordshire at 6 if you are able to come!

Particularly if you are an external coach or consultant – or if you hire people in for training, coaching, consulting or facilitation,

  • where are you asking the joining up questions?
  • how do you challenge the organisation to embed learning from diverse places when many different solutions are being bought in – even if it means that you will lose your work?
  • where do you explore the thics of working with many individuals in the same organisation?

Of course there are no clear rules, but in his book, ethicability Roger Steare raises some great questions

  • What are the RULES?
  • Are we acting with INTEGRITY?
  • Who is this GOOD for?
  • Who could we HARM?
  • What’s the TRUTH?

We have contributed a case study about this to the new book Creating a Coaching Culture for Managers in your Organisation – and of course our thinking is developing all the time!

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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Filed Under: 1 Meeting Ethical Guidelines Tagged With: , ,

3D Juggling 607: Riddles and Risk

March 21, 2013 By Leave a Comment

If you’ve been waiting for our next day for people wanting to work on communication, conflict and confidence using DiSC, we have now booked this at the Goldsmith’s Centre in Letchworth on Tuesday 4th June.

Claire writes: “I heard David Clutterbuck talking at the University of Hertfordshire recently where he described no less than six levels of listening – ranging from listening to argue to listening to help the other person understand.  Many of us are eager to listen to problem solve – especially at work or when someone comes with a thorny issue. His sixth and highest level is listening with the human eye and without intent – which is what we endeavour to do in coaching.

Listening is often more about listening to mystery and riddles than it is to making total sense and coming up with fully formed solutions. Rilke describes it well in Letters to a Young Poet (1934): “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now.”

Many of the challenges we encounter at work and in the world are complex.  As an article in Smithsonian magazine puts it, we would do well to know whether we are exploring a mystery or solving a puzzle.

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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Filed Under: 5 Active Listening Tagged With: , , ,

3D Juggling 606: We’re both right

March 15, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Claire writes: “Clare wrote about receiving feedback the other day, which got me thinking.  Sometimes we receive feedback supportively and choose to see it as a learning experience.  And sometimes it seems to push our buttons and we struggle to make sense of it – and probably take time and energy defending it.  It may be inappropriate, but often it’s just hard to receive and we want to be right.  To do that we feel that we need to make the other person wrong.

The concept of both being right is useful here. You’re right that you have one perception.  And your colleague is right that they have a very different perception. So the most important question is that if I am right and you are right, how do we take this forward?  It’s also great where there is conflict in meetings.”

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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Filed Under: 8 Creating Awareness Tagged With: , , ,

3D Juggling 605: Choose to choose

March 8, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Thanks for all the email comments about the powerpose in last week’s Juggling.  It’s been great to have conversations, and some of you have used it.

Claire writes: “We have been in the public sector again this last week where there is so much change going on that it is easy to feel stuck.  Yet even in stuckness, we all have choices. A friend on facebook commented last week on her timeline that she is in the departure lounge of life.  Her choice was to say goodbye and allow others to say goodbye to her before we hear through a third party that she has died.

When we feel stuck, we can choose to do nothing.  That is a legitimate choice.  Recently I have been struck that we may know what our choices are and still hold back from exercising them.  If that’s happening to you, do you know how you will choose how to choose? Or even when to choose?”

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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Filed Under: 8 Creating Awareness, 9 Designing Actions Tagged With: ,

3D Juggling 602: Of Tandem Riding

February 8, 2013 By Leave a Comment

The next coaching masterclass is about creating awareness – 25th Feb at 5pm on a teleconference call for an hour.  Are you joining us?

Claire writes: “The start of a conversation is, I think, critical.  Are we clear enough about what we are here to do, how we are going to do it, and how we will know we have?  Even if that is to be clear and transparent that we simply need to talk, with no agenda.

That’s what we encourage on all our courses.  A delegate on a recent course said that an acronym would help him remember, and he came up with STORS.  Developing that, we have started to use STOKeRS which is what I introduced on a course yesterday, when someone said – ‘Did you know a stoker is the person on the back of a tandem?’ Their role is as a motor. They should be able to generate more power than a rider on a single bike – either keeping some in reserve or with a burst of power for the climbs. And the stoker never steers!  STOKeRS can help in many different 1-1s – not just coaching conversations:
S – what subject/s are we talking about today (managers can add some of their own as well as colleagues)
T – in the time we have, what is it we really need to talk about (especially useful if subject is large or complex)
O – Outcome – what would you (we) like to be different by the end of this conversation
K – how will you (we) know we have done that?
R – what’s my role?
S – where shall we start?

It feels artificial, but we notice if you get enough clarity, the conversation is easier and more effective for all.  Try it!  And feel free to share it (…we’d appreciate if you credited 3D)”

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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Filed Under: 2 Establishing The Coaching Agreement Tagged With: , ,

3D Juggling 601: Feisty Feedback

February 1, 2013 By 2 Comments

This week our guest blogger is Clare Norman who works in Leadership Development for a global professional service firm.  We have been learning together for about ten years since she participated in our Action Learning Set Facilitator Training.

Clare writes: “I am about to embark on a new period of study, learning how to be a coach supervisor.  As I get prepared, I have been reminding myself that there are going to be periods of discomfort, as I learn this new skill.  We don’t go on courses to do things that we already find easy, after all.  We go to stretch ourselves and discover new ways of doing things.  And discomfort will be a side-effect of that process.

Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, talks about why we often don’t give feedback.  One of the reasons is discomfort.  We shy away from things that are hard.  But she rightly points out that we need to normalize what’s difficult.  Giving feedback isn’t a comfortable experience for the most part.  But that doesn’t automatically make it a bad thing, or something to be avoided.  On the contrary, it helps the receiver to learn and grow.  If you want people around you to think critically and to change, you need to get used to the discomfort of giving feedback.  It might get easier over time, but don’t expect that – expect discomfort, see it as normal, and start communicating more directly with people around you.

If you’re comfortable, then you are not teaching and others are not learning.”

If you liked this post, hop over to Clare’s blog Being a Sunbeam, and sign up to receive her posts.

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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Filed Under: 7 Direct Communication Tagged With: , ,

3D Juggling 599: The Golden Binbag

January 18, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Claire writes: “There are two things that really irritate me about coaching.

Firstly, I have to get over the fact that there is lots of really interesting story that is not within the remit of our conversation.  TS Eliot was absolutely right when he said, in his powem Little Gidding: “You are not here to verify, instruct yourself, or inform curiosity Or carry report.”… however interesting it might be!  I am here to help my colleague to understand.  In other roles, we may need to know more – but we often need to know less than we think we do.

Secondly, I have to abandon what I think are my my brilliant questions.  Ten years ago, I was all ready to write a book.  It was to be called ‘The Art of Powerful Questionning’.  I’m glad I didn’t because what I know now is that too many words over-translate the thing we have seen or heard or sensed that raised the question in the first place. The most powerful questions are often saying what we see, or tiny comments like ‘And…?’, ‘So…?’.  A question that was really good in one conversation may not necessarily be useful in another, and needs to be discarded in the golden bin bag.  That’s where we also need to discard the questions we formed a few minutes ago, but which have passed their sell by date as our companion has continued to explore.  Of course some more standard questions are useful.  I particularly like ones that move the learning on and leave responsibility with the person we are talking with:

  • What’s your most important question now?
  • Where are we now?
  • Where shall we start?

Next time you’re in a one to one conversation, think about it…”

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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Filed Under: 6 Powerful Questionning Tagged With: ,

3D Juggling 598: How definite is definite enough?

January 11, 2013 By 1 Comment

It’s been great to see people from recent coaching courses and benchmark their coaching skills a few months down the line.  Talk to us if you’d like us to listen to a coaching conversation you have had, and to give you feedback – video or audio are both possible.  Here’s a demo with a real client which we have put online in response to your requests. We have the client’s permission to share it.

Claire writes: “New Year and new resolutions – have you kept them?  Or are they wobbling?  Maybe you don’t like resolutions at all.  David Clutterbuck has been doing research on goals.  He has found that people who ask the question ‘Will I go to the gym today?’ are more likely to go than someone who says ‘I will go’.  Holding the possibility in mind seems to have better results than definite decisions.

Think about it…?”

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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Filed Under: 10 Planning and Goal Setting, Coaching Skills Tagged With: ,

3D Juggling 597: Coffee – real or instant?

January 7, 2013 By 1 Comment

Happy New Year! We hope that you had a good break. We are delighted to announce our new line up for 2013. Alan Gyle and Nicola McGinty will be joining the 3D team.  Both have extensive experience working with groups and team and individuals.  This is also a chance to say thank you to Nadia Evans who is now living in Dubai, and Liz Ford who will be leaving before Easter.  It’s been great to have them both as part of our journey.

Claire writes: “I have switched off so completely over the Christmas break that it’s taking focus to reengage – and I thought I had nothing to say. But inspiration came over the expresso maker! As a coffee snob, I like the real stuff and love the way you pack the expresso maker and then leave it to do its work.

Sometimes in conversations, I notice, we hope for great results while we are in dialogue with the other person.  On occasions real results come much later – perhaps days or even months – and are of a greater depth and quality than those that come in the moment.  Here’s an email we received just before Christmas from someone we worked with a couple of years ago: “…one of the things it made me really understand is just how long learning can go on for – even after the actual ‘learning’experience. A lot of the things we talked about when we were working together made a certain kind of sense at the time, but they’ve come to make even more sense in the [time since]… I’ve been able to make a different kind of sense of them”

Real coffee takes time to brew.  Not all learning is instant!  Think about it…”

© 2013 3D Coaching Ltd
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Filed Under: Coaching Skills, working with people Tagged With: , , , ,
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