What is workplace bullying? Amicus-MSF trade union offers the following definition:
"Persistent, offensive, abusive, intimidating or insulting behaviour, abuse of power or unfair penal sanctions which makes the recipient feel upset, threatened, humiliated or vulnerable, which undermines their self-confidence and which may cause them to suffer stress"
There are a small number of people who for various reasons gain personal control and power by undermining others. For these coaching is unlikely to deal with the underlying issues
People being “bullied” can learn skills and strategies to take back and equalise power and control
Managers who “bully” need to have different role models and learn alternative, more effective ways to manage by using coaching skills
Individuals and teams need to be supported to have on-going “powerful” conversations that bring about sustained change
How do you achieve this?
At 3D Coaching we believe that bullying is more complex than it is described above, that in the majority of cases it is not the intent of the person to bully but their insecurity, inadequacy or lack of skill in managing relationships that leads them to behave in ways that others experience as bullying. In these cases we believe that there is an opportunity to help them review and revise their behaviour, leading to improved relationships. We also believe that there are some people who play out their lack of self-worth or stress on others and need a different kind of help, such as counselling or therapy etc. However the vast majority do not intend to bully but are unskilled in appropriate behaviours that are helpful in dealing with others, particularly when they are under stress.
When we are children we model our behaviour on role models in the home and elsewhere, and we learn what hurts and doesn’t hurt others by trying things out, learning in the playground how to manipulate others and how to help others. From these experiences some of us will learn to be assertive, some aggressive, some non-assertive or passive. How we are able to assert ourselves is also affected by our understanding of our ability to have an impact on and influence our environment.
We believe that by enabling people who are in a bullying situation to see and own their self-worth they can shift control from the bully, creating greater equality (and a more win-win solution) When we do not think we have the right to say what we need, we can be tentative and unclear. Individuals may require help to learn how to clearly state what they need. They may also benefit from exploring different communication styles so that they can choose to adapt their approach when this will increase the chances of being heard by others.
Managers are often under a lot of pressure, particularly in period of recession. They are often put into positions of authority without care and attention, and without adequate role models or support. They can feel that they have limited options or choices, and no safety net for when things go wrong. Managers are often unclear of the expectations of them. Thus they adopt trial and error to achieve results which may mirror power struggles similar to those in the playground or may reinforce those who obtain control through aggressive behaviour (they get what they want)
Popular culture says that managers know everything. The idea that none of us need to know everything, but do need to be able to find out what we need to know, is not comfortable for many managers. Middle managers are being squashed into a no man’s land between Directors/CEOs who are making tough demands of them, and staff who are feeling very unsettled and pressured and are asking for support. They need help to be an effective bridge between these two sets of pressure, as without help they are likely to provide a bridge that transmits the pressure they receive from the top to staff– often undiluted. Expressing their concern about this can be seen as whingeing back to management.
Coaching managersor leaders can help them to work in an empowering way, recognising that its okay for their staff to know something they don’t and to be confident to promote others skills. Teaching them coaching skills to use in staff development is a highly effective way of developing capacity and capability in an organisation.
A ‘good’ manager or leader is expected to be fair to everybody, but what does this mean/look like? Treating everybody the same way does not recognise or respond to individual needs. People are people first and foremost, with different experiences, levels of confidence, and knowledge. If a manager, however well meaning, tries to work with an individual in the way they feel is best, their impact may not be as positive as they intend. When we bring our own values, beliefs etc we may not understand of the other person, except in our own terms. Our approach to coaching, which can be adopted by managers, is based on a belief that I don’t need to know everything about you and your situation to be able to work effectively and safely with you. You are the expert in you and your situation, and my role is to help you to work out what it is that you need to do and how to get started. In fact, the more I know about your situation the more assumptions I am likely to make about what you can and can’t do, which will not be helpful.
In our experience the most useful approach we can offer when working with individuals and teams where bullying is being experienced is to help them to have fierce conversations about what is happening. Often we need to help individuals to get past the tentative ‘first go’, and the belief that it will never work, by supporting them as they learn and modify their approach, taking several steps over a period of time to achieve a satisfactory result. By overcoming the belief that one ‘failure’ is a complete failure, or that perfect is the only solution, real progress can be achieved. We are allowed to get it wrong sometimes and work with that.
We also help people to understand, on both sides, that making significant changes in behaviour is scary for the people around them. This enables us to help them to deal with their situation in context, not in isolation. When we see significant bullying in a work context we can often see it going through systemically, and tackling the symptoms in one place will not provide a complete solution. By supporting both individuals and the surrounding system (team, processes, stakeholders etc), you can begin to make significant “cultural changes”.
While processes need to be available in response to bullying, we also need to recognise that interpersonal relationships in complex systems/organisations need to addressed, not just the presenting symptoms. There is a risk that when we do not know how to do this, or fail to when we try, we may help people to leave the organisation as an alternative. This does not necessarily solve the problem; we need to address the underlying culture that nourishes/nurtures bullying behaviour. It is much easier to carry on doing what you’re doing rather than being brave and taking responsibility for your own input into it and making the changes you need to. Individuals, particularly those who feel vulnerable, need support and up skilling to be brave.
At 3D Coaching we believe that bullying is more complex than it is described above, that in the majority of cases it is not the intent of the person to bully but their insecurity, inadequacy or lack of skill in managing relationships that leads them to behave in ways that others experience as bullying. In these cases we believe that there is an opportunity to help them review and revise their behaviour, leading to improved relationships. We also believe that there are some people who play out their lack of self-worth or stress on others and need a different kind of help, such as counselling or therapy etc. However the vast majority do not intend to bully but are unskilled in appropriate behaviours that are helpful in dealing with others, particularly when they are under stress.
Popular culture says that managers know everything. The idea that none of us need to know everything, but do need to be able to find out what we need to know, is not comfortable for many managers. Middle managers are being squashed into a no man’s land between Directors/CEOs who are making tough demands of them, and staff who are feeling very unsettled and pressured and are asking for support. They need help to be an effective bridge between these two sets of pressure, as without help they are likely to provide a bridge that transmits the pressure they receive from the top to staff– often undiluted. 
A ‘good’ manager or leader is expected to be fair to everybody, but what does this mean/look like? Treating everybody the same way does not recognise or respond to individual needs. People are people first and foremost, with different experiences, levels of confidence, and knowledge. If a manager, however well meaning, tries to work with an individual in the way they feel is best, their impact may not be as positive as they intend. When we bring our own values, beliefs etc we may not understand of the other person, except in our own terms. Our approach to coaching, which can be adopted by managers, is based on a belief that I don’t need to know everything about you and your situation to be able to work effectively and safely with you. You are the expert in you and your situation, and my role is to help you to work out what it is that you need to do and how to get started. In fact, the more I know about your situation the more assumptions I am likely to make about what you can and can’t do, which will not be helpful.