Jeremy writes: “One of the things I have noticed over years of working with clients, and indeed people generally, is our inability to say what we want to say… first time. It is a particularly British trait to ‘hedge our bets’ with our initial response to a question. An example would be the everyday greeting ‘How are you?” to which a common response is ‘Fine, thank you’. This is sometimes said very quickly with little regard for the truth – it was once suggested to me that ‘fine’ can be an acronym for ‘frustrated, insecure, neurotic and exhausted’.

I know we are not either expecting or wanting a full medical or psychological rundown on the person’s condition, but often it eventually emerges after long meanderings that there are significant issues that have been obscured by the ‘fine’ response. A short, authentic initial answer might be preferable, and more helpful in leading smoothly to a meaningful conversation. We are often very wary of what response we believe we might engender by a truthful answer to an honest personal question; the result is that time is wasted on inconsequential pleasantries and a degree of obfuscation. My point is that sometimes it is really important to say what we think rather than always give in to a predilection to think what we say.

This is not a suggestion that we thoughtlessly indulge ourselves in careless, unkind or hasty outbursts. It’s just that it often useful, rather than tying ourselves up in our minds with a tangle of half-truths and carefully qualified remarks, to…just say it !

I would add that this is particularly helpful in a coaching relationship where honesty and integrity are great multipliers of effectiveness.”

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